Fight! Fight! Fight!

I feel compelled to talk about marriage. I have been down this road twice now. Scott is my second husband and this time around I have a different mentality about it. About 60% of Americans vow to stay committed to the same person for life. So, where does all this doubt and "growing apart" come into play when marriage originally starts out smelling like roses? I am not judging anyone that has been divorced because I obviously have no room to sound all high and mighty about it. Also, I am not for someone staying with another person  where abuse is happening. (Abuse comes in many forms)  This is just me speaking from my heart about what I learned through my experience and have been healed from.

Here is what I have learned...

Marriage is not for the faint of heart. It's not about making each other happy. It's about holiness, being sacrificial and committed 100% of the way.  As a kid I believed the fairy tales of the prince kissing his bride and then happily ever after happens. In reality, we are sinners, marrying sinners. When those vows are said, Satan gets his crew out ready to destroy.  He knows that there are great things that can happen when two people vow to love each other forever.  He is evil and brings misery into happy lives everyday.  Most people this day and age are looking for instant happiness, not expecting to fight for your best friend's life, even if it means you get a battle wound.  People get married for the wrong reasons all the time but still, the vows are said.
"Above all, my brothers, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your “Yes” be yes, and your “No,” no, or you will be condemned." James 5:12

These vows that are said are serious business. God takes them and seals them.
Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Mark 10:9

So, for these vows to be broken, it means humans have to mess it up. We have to be the ones that make that choice to separate and to break vows. "It was never right from the beginning," "we've tried everything," "we've grown apart," "he/she doesn't make me happy," "I deserve to be happy."  These are the thoughts that start running through our minds and if we don't get a grip on those thoughts it only gets worse.

When you entered into marriage with your spouse, you stepped to onto the battle field. You just told someone else that is full of faults, and they told you, that you would love them forever, no matter what.  It's a bold move.  Your husband/bride is the most beautiful person you have ever met and you can't imagine life with anyone else.  It truly is a beautiful thing.  It looks as though you have the perfect life ahead of you.  One big reason I always recommend pre-marital counseling is because your subconscious may carry expectations of what your marriage will look like.  Expectations set your spouse up for failure because they may not even know about these "requirements" you have for them until your vows are spoken.  Scott and I had pre-marital counseling and it helped us avoid those pointless fights about who does the grocery shopping or who takes out the garbage.  Expectations are great things to talk about at any point in your relationship.

Some expectations that we throw onto our new spouse may be:
You take out the trash
You do the dishes
You work on the yard
You take care of the cars
You stay home with the kids 
We will have kids by the time I'm 25
We will have only a real Christmas tree
We will have a savings account with no less than $$$$
 We will read books or do devotions every night together
We will go to bed at the same time every night
You will grocery shop
We will have sex at least 6 days a week :)
We will never fight like the "so and so's"
You will take care of the budget

I find my marriage to Scott to be the most rewarding gifts God has ever given me. We have had our share of struggles that led to me thinking "why did I do this again?" I have felt lonely at times. I have had broken expectations. I have thrown a remote control at him in a hormonal rage. I have bossed him around. I have belittled him. I have taken his sincere love for granted. I have said sorry.  I have forgiven him. We have hurt each other's hearts and that sucks. The good part, no the GREAT part is that the rewards of being committed to another person is the growth. If you don't like change, then marriage is probably not for you because it's all about change and growth. This person exposes our insides. Marriage wasn't designed for awesome cuddle sessions, though, I do love those.

This is how I look at it. Scott is a gift to me and I see his life (not just his life with me) as something worth fighting for. When I choose to say mean things to him I tear him down making it much easier for him to be defeated.  I want him to prosper in life, I want good for him.  I want to mature and grow as well.  "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ." Ephesians 4:15  Like Thumper says, "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all."

So, if Scott is struggling in an area of his life, I have a few options on how to handle it . I can pretend it's not happening and hope it gets better on it's own.  I can let him know how weak he is and make him feel like a failure because I think that it will challenge him to change.  I don't know a single man that loves a good degrading session from his wife but sadly, I have done that.  Finally, I can be his biggest cheerleader, prayer warrior, support, and inspiration. I know I can't change a person and the choices they make though, so that's where trusting God comes in. I trust Him with my whole life and heart. I know He's going to take care of me even if Scott can't in the moment. I throw all my eggs in God's basket, not Scott's. I choose to see Scott as God's child and He promises to takes care of His kids. "And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

It doesn't matter how long you've been married, it's a journey. Humans are never just stuck, you are either moving forward or backward. I know change can be scary and letting go of those expectations causes great anxiety but it's worth it. It's so worth it to watch someone grow and reap the blessings of being committed. In five years you will look back and have no regrets trying your best to love someone sacrificially. I don't mind knowing that I have fought for someone with no other intentions than a hope that they will know true joy one day.  That is why I married again.  I love Scott and I have a strong desire to see where God takes us.  I make the choice to love him and he makes the same choice towards me.  Praise God!
"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11