Friday, August 15, 2014

A new life brings new stuff

If you read my last pregnancy blogs three years ago, you know that pregnancy is a real "issue" for me.  I'm up and down and all around with it.  From beginning to end, I just never know what I'm feeling or thinking about it.  I worked hard on other things through this pregnancy.  There were a lot of changes in my business and already having one child distracted me from remembering I was pregnant some days.  Scott was left to take care of Rhylan and me for many months while I worked and came home a hungry, hormonal mess.  I tried to help with bath time and bed time but there were many nights I ended up short-fused and crying.  One evening I put Rhylan in the bath and sat, uncomfortably, on the stool in front of her.  She played and wanted all my attention.  She decided she would toss a cup of water on me which made me more uncomfortable. I took a deep breath and did my best parenting job of telling her how I felt about that and gave her consequences if she were to choose to do that again.  The stinker looked at me and did it once more.  My eyes popped out of my head, I tightly put my lips together and felt my emotions set on fire.  There was no more sanity inside of me to actually follow through with a consequence that didn't include screaming and turning into a dragon mother that breathed fire.  Patience was non-existent at that point.  I got up, left the room, and called Scott who was outside mowing.  He only had about 15 minutes of mowing left but my shaky voice clued him in that tonight was not the night he could finish that job.  Tears of frustration came out along with an explanation of my "emergency" situation.  I told him about our turd of a child throwing water on me TWICE and that I was not able to handle the rest of the night.  He came in and talked to Rhylan about her choice, had her apologize to me then took over the nighttime duties.  I was in the bedroom crying, wondering why I couldn't pull myself together.  How could I be a wife, a mom to two children, and business owner?  Defeat is what I felt.  Although, I had pep talk after pep talk from friends, husband, and family, I just couldn't seem to wrap my head around how weak I felt some days.

As I neared the end of my pregnancy, there was a feeling of fear and anxiety creeping in on me.  Oh the confusion and words of discouragement in my head. Just some of the fears were labor, time off, sleepless nights, giving sufficient time to Scott, Rhylan, a new babe, a business AND myself.  I saw the headlights of change coming as quickly and as bright as a train in the night.  It was all coming and I had to adjust or else I would get run over.    

Once again, I prioritized a new schedule.  I worked on waking up a little earlier to get exercise in and journal/devotion time. Those changes alone helped me get out of my own head and leave some fears and thoughts on paper instead of haunting my busy brain.  I looked at labor again and concluded that I needed to prepare my heart for it.  I couldn't just go into labor thinking "I got this".  Scott and I started to talk more about the new life that was going to join us and we prepared her room to welcome her.  With Rhylan, it was all I could think about, and with this new babe, I had to make the choice to prioritize her.  It may sound awful but life was different this time around.  I'm thankful for the process and faithfulness that God graced us with over the last month.

The fear began to lift, the anxiety was driven out the door and joy was revealed in the little things. Sometimes there will be circumstances that naturally bring joy and sometimes you have to claim that joy and hold onto it, then reclaim it again and again.  Claim the victory, shout out the fear, then wake up and do it all over again.