For many reasons Mother's Day is becoming a very special day in my life. It recognizes my mom, myself as a mother, and helps me appreciate what a beautiful career life a mother has. I'm reveling in this moment. Sigh...life is good.
This Mother's Day marks another journey in my life. I'm saddened by this journey yet God has put His love out there for me to rest in. The week before last I found out I was pregnant. I was unexpectedly surprised and Scott, of course, was elated! I thought we were going to wait a little while until we had another baby but suddenly we had a new adventure. For about five days I settled into the idea that Rhylan would have a sibling and my attitude would be different this time. I knew what to expect for the most part and I was so relieved that I didn't feel scared. Scott and I looked at each other with smiles and I thanked God for whatever His plan was. All of it came back to me as I thought further down the road when we would hear the heartbeat, feel the baby move for the first time, watch my ankles swell, and I imagined Rhylan watching my belly grow. All within a few days my mind and heart were attached to new life growing and forming just the way God intended it, cell by cell and then a heart, fingers, toes, the way humans begin. It's a beautiful mystery, indeed.
The sad part started on Tuesday. A little blood, then a little cramping, then more blood. I could tell something wasn't right. I maintained my composure as I called the doctor and told them what was happening. I went in for blood tests for my hormone levels and they told me to come back in 48 hours to see if they had raised or dropped. Off to work and my heart was heavy for the unknown. Like any other day, I laughed with my clients and coworkers but was becoming more vulnerable as the night went on. Every time I talked to Scott he told me that it might be all okay and not to worry. He was comforting but I was still nervous. Wednesday came and I still bled through the day. I looked up all sorts of things about miscarriage on the internet and suddenly I felt God say "in the stillness, I am there." I stopped stalking the internet and trusted in His softly spoken words. I prayed and cried and prayed and cried. When I came home I played with Rhylan and rested in the "stillness." I thanked God for the miracle that she is and we went to bed.
Thursday morning I woke up knowing that I had to go to get blood tests again to find out if I had miscarried. I felt brave enough to take Rhylan with me and she was such a good girl while they took a vile of blood. I waited two hours then called the doctor. They informed me that my hormone levels had lowered significantly and it was no longer a viable pregnancy. God had prepared my heart for this moment. I called Scott and I heard the sadness in his voice which was comforting to know I wasn't alone in my pain. I called my mom and she was there in my sadness with me. This little bunch of forming cells had made a new home in my heart and now was leaving me little by little. Some may not call it a baby but I don't know how else it would have such an impact on my life if it were not the beginning of something great. The beginning of a great human being, how we all began. There are a lot of reasons that women miscarry but at this moment, it doesn't matter to me why, it is that it was the beginning of someone close to my heart.
Over the last few days I have cried so much that my vulnerability has caused me close myself up in my house. Scott has held me and comforted me more than I knew he could. My family and friends have sent so many prayers and so much love that at first I didn't know how to receive it. It's hard saying that I'm not okay when I've always tried to be the strong one. I was crying and praying, believing God had something to reveal through this. I don't believe He caused the miscarriage but I believe there was purpose behind it. As I sang in church today and thought about how many great hugs and prayers I was getting, purpose was revealed. God showed His love through other people. My dad had been calling me every day, my mom was giving me nurturing mommy hugs, Scott's mom was loving on me, my friends were sending their prayers and love and my Studio7 family responded with genuine love and concern. It was beautiful the way God's people came along side of me and gave their hearts. Simple words of comfort like, "I'm so sorry this happened to you" meant the world to me. Through this sad time, God gave me love and for the first time in a long while, I accepted my weakness and grieved the loss of the beginning of life and the idea of what was to come.
Thank you family, thank you friends. I will take this loss step by step and heal in God's timing. I'm soaking up the love as much as I love soaking up the hot sun.
To all my mom-friends and dad-friends out there that have experienced this...
God, I pray that you love us through this and that we can rest in your stillness even when the stillness feels to hard to handle. Even when we feel like we need control, I pray you speak your restful words into our hearts, minds, and souls. When we grieve, comfort us. When we cry until we feel dry, fill our hearts back up to overflowing. Through these moments of our human weakness, we are stronger in You. You are our purpose for going on, our blessings come from you and help us to see past the sorrow. Thank you for the emotions and taking us step by step through this trying time. I pray against fear of loss of future pregnancies. Give us contentment in your perfect plan. Help us to remember the beautiful life that was forming and that our babies will meet us in heaven again. Thank you for how you have formed us and continue to form us until the day we meet you. Until that day, thank you for who you are. Amen.