Thursday, November 21, 2013

30 and I don't care who knows it.

Here I am, 30 years old.  I have moments of embracing it and moments of terror.  The embracing springs from being super blessed in my life.  No true complaints.  In my 20's I had a lot of development in my faith, relationships and career.  Divorced, married, bought a house, started a business, had a baby, and moved probably 8 times.  Quite honestly, it was a lot of work, so much work...sigh.  I think somewhere in there I lost apart of my joy and personality.  It's not that I don't think a lot of that was God's plan, it's just that I remember working very hard to be productive, do the right thing, dress the part, and learn to smile with my mouth.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I have a tendency to look disgruntled even while happy.  Being a business owner has it's demands for sure.  Occasionally, I yearn to be an employee.  Occasionally, I miss being able to leave work at work.  Occasionally, I wish I had invested more in friendships.  Occasionally, I wish I could be a better cook.  Occasionally, I wish I could be a better housekeeper.  Occasionally, I wonder what life would've been like if...(insert any random thought)

Back to being 30.  It's just a number, it's just a moment in this beautiful life.  Stumbling, fumbling through what God has for me, who He sees me as, is the big puzzle.  Looking around, I see people having babies, women staying at home with their kids, clothing changing, hairstyles more subtle and did I mention, people having babies.  For a second, I thought I wanted another baby.  Then, I started focusing on my business and where it needed to be stabilized.  Restructuring and systematically implementing all sorts of structure.  My head swirls around this baby and what's normal thing.  "Are you guys going to have another kid soon?"  I don't know when to plan that!  There are all sorts of reasons, each valid to the individual parent team, that they come up with for having their kids a certain amount of time apart.  I've heard, "so they can be friends growing up", "so the older one can help with the younger one", "so they can be in high school together" and "because I don't want to wait too long after the other one is out of diapers", and "my siblings and I were all 2 years apart", or my favorite, "because I don't want them to be an only child".  There are plenty more reasons that I can't recall.  So, here I am, remembering that I didn't want a kid in the first place and now I'm all tore up about doing the "right" thing by having another kid.  I'm weighing the pros and "cons" of having another baby.  I've concluded that for now, I would have another child because everyone else is doing it.  If a baby were to come into the picture, I would surely be full of joy for it, but for now, I'm content with my sweet Rhylan.  I welcome and rejoice with all the other babies coming into this world.  It's a blessing but just not going to happen for us right yet.

So, back to being 30.  What's normal?  Purple hair?  Having a lip piercing?  Isn't it time to knock that crap off?  Time to look mature, grow up.  Conform your style.  People are lurking, judging, waiting for that lip ring to come out.  I know most people accept my style but there are those ones that have a comment or two revealing their disapproval.  I've ranged my style from punk to hippy to business woman to a mix of all of those at once.  I like to change it up but where I really feel at home in my style is either a really tall pair of heels or my old school converse shoes.  I look at other well dressed women my age-ish and think they look adorable.  So off to target I go to try on what everyone else is wearing.  Nothing fits right, I don't feel like "me".  Not that clothes define us but I'm coming to grips with being okay with my "style".  I can wear my purple-ish hair and wild leggings without feeling self-conscience.  I'm 30 for goodness sakes!  Who cares?!? I may have pink hair in a month.  Why not?

I'm determined to laugh harder, love harder, and dance like I'm 20 (this time I don't care who's watching).  I want to get my business structured and I'm going to work hard on that.  In my free time, I want to invest in building new relationships.  Building new relationships draws me closer to Jesus because he was the ultimate relationship master, he knew how to meet people where they're at and I desire that.  I'm meeting me, right where I'm at...30 :)