Friday, May 25, 2012

Nurturing Nature

Rhylan had her first big cold last week.  She was full of snot, coughing and she ran a slight tempurature.  I felt so bad for the little baby girl as she tried to tell us how much her throat hurt.  It was this tiny wraspy voice that cried for help.  She clung to me day and night.  In the middle of the night she cried out for us to come get her so I wandered into her room at 1:30am to pick her up.  Her voice was nearly gone and every time she coughed she cried because it hurt.  Immediately I felt her temp had raised.  Obsessively Scott checked her temp every few minutes then called first nurse.  It wasn't over 102 so they felt that it was okay for now.  We held her until she fell asleep.  A few hours later she woke us up again and managed to have a smile on her face.  The temp went down as morning went by.  We prayed that God would heal her little body and thanked Him for her.

All this sickness was new to me.  I don't have a nurturing bone in my body on most occasions.  Being the youngest child allowed me to be the one cared for plus I'm rarely sick.  If I am, I sometimes call my mom and she immediately asks me how she can help.  I usually reply I don't need help, I just needed to tell her.  There's something about telling your mom that you're sick that makes you feel better.  When Scott is sick, it takes everything in me to want to help him.  I say "buck up, you're not dying, you have a cold."  I know, it's pretty insensative but I know every woman that I talk to says that their husband can tend to be a BIT dramatic when they're sick.  It's not like I don't care, I do, but I'm a problem solver.  I try to prevent illness by not touching door handles, not sharing food, wiping my shopping cart off, and I use my feet, knees, elbows, and wrists to open or close things.  For anyone who lived in the nineties, we call that behavior, "what about bob".

By nature, I am not nurturing.  Nurturing is out of my nature.  However you put it, I envy the ones in my life that are so sensitive to other people's feelings and wear their heart on their sleeve.  I tend not to show much emotion on my face.  I will tell you I am excited without a change of tone or lifted eyebrows.  I will be sarcastic without putting a smiley face next to it and that's when I get in trouble.  Back peddle, back peddle, back peddle.  This can make me seem super serious and intimidating when I'm smiling on the inside.  Generally, I think people are fantastic.  There are times when Scott will ask what my problem is and it takes me totally by surprise.

I concentrate on smiling with my mouth and eyes.  When I was pregnant, I cried enough for 10 pmsing women every day.  As a non-prego, I don't cry very much because I feel like it doesn't get anything accomplished besides ruining my makeup and an ugly cry face.  It doesn't bother me if other people cry though.  Everyone is allowed their own expression of emotion.  Mine just happens to be an internal dialogue then immediate problem solving with no expression on my face.  Is that weird?  I have been told it's kind of weird so I will continue work on my nurturing nature with my daughter, husband, family and employees.  It's okay to cry and be overly happy and be angry all in the same day.  We were made in God's image with all these emotions.

John 11:35 Jesus wept.       How refreshing to know that.

When it all goes wrong

Recently there have been some major events in my life and other's lives that have prompted me to write again.

Last weekend I was suppose to do some training in Wisconsin.  I have gone back and forth about quitting teaching for my color company.  I got into being an educator because I knew that it would take my career to the next level.  It was going to push my limits and take me out of a comfort zone.  Now, I'm busy with a growing baby and a salon that is growing by the day.  It's a daily stretch for me and for Scott.

As I was planning this trip to go teach I realize that I'm forgetting a lot of things.  I didn't reserve my hotel room until 5 days before and I didn't get my teaching materials all together until two days before.  My least favorite thing is feeling unorganized.  My class was almost five hours away so I had to make sure my ducks were in line.

The plan was for my mom to join me in my travels but then Scott had to train on Monday so then that left me with no childcare for Rhylan.  It was getting more and more confusing and I really just wanted to call the whole thing off.  That was not an option though.  Scott decided to see if he could train on Tuesday instead of Monday and that worked out.  We decided to take Rhylan with us and make it a family thing.  I knew Scott wasn't looking forward to the drive but I really wasn't prepared to go it alone.

Before we left we needed to do payroll at the salon.  Long story short, we didn't leave as soon as we planned.  I had mixed feelings as we headed out of town.  I knew that Scott wasn't super excited about going so I told him to turn around and I will go by myself.  He told me that it would be fine and we should keep going.  I just wanted to quit, quit everything.  You know when you just want to escape all responsibility and head for the hills?  I never would but sometimes I forget I have the power of the Holy Spirit to comfort me and self-reliance becomes my "go-to".

My sighs become heavier and louder.  Scott rarely sees me like this so he spoke up.  He offered prayer first and it immediately softened my heart.  We started talking but I didn't tell him how confused I was about how I was suppose to manage all these responsibilities.  Scott can't let problems go, he can't see me hurting, so he takes action.  He started giving me solutions and I felt instant relief.  My heavy heart and bad attitude lifted.

Through all the mess and the discouragement God still shines.  It's not always cut and dry, it's not always a smooth journey.  There have been a few big moments in my life that God allows things to get stirred up so in the end, all I see is Him.  In the midst of all my planning God speaks through it and what looks like chaos is actually controlled chaos.  So, if I would've quit teaching, if Scott wouldn't have been able to go with me, if we wouldn't have been delayed at the salon, we wouldn't have talked through our situation.  I would have given up.  I'm not a quitter, I move on.  In this case it wasn't the time to move on.  It was time to learn my limits.  

This has happened to me a few other times in life where I feel like the odds are against me and the weight is too heavy but guess what, it's not my weight.  You know that saying, "God never gives you more than you can handle?"  Well, it's true because I am still standing ;)