Reflecting on the last decade

Tomorrow I begin my week long celebration of my 28th year of life. Yes, I said one full week of me :) As a kid, I dreaded birthdays. I'm serious. I was probably the only 10 year old that cried when I hit double digits. Other kids loved the cake, friends, and some sort of paper crown but not me. My parents always had great parties for me but I couldn't help but think that one day I was going to get old. My mom says I was always an old soul, too old beyond my years. Birthdays were a reminder of a quick, inevitable road to old. I didn't see how it could slow down, it just kept speeding up and my memories were fading. Yes, this was me at ten years old thinking these thoughts. Each birthday was more disappointing than the last, not because I didn't feel special, it was because life was going by so fast. I knew one day I was going to be 30 then 40 then older and older. There's no stopping it. I now realize that this was a part of my controlling personality showing its ugly face at a very young age. How do you control the days passing and the seasons turning?

On my 18th birthday I sobbed. There was another milestone in life. When most 18 year olds are celebrating with cigarettes and partying, I was watching "Riding in Cars with Boys" crying my eyes out. I don't even remember what the movie was about but remember trying to figure out why I was so sad. At 18, I had just started cosmetology school and was living on my own while working full time. My life was busy plus I was in a serious relationship. It's weird to see how blessed my life is now and think back then that I was trying avoid my future at all costs.

During my 18th year of life I worked hard at finishing cosmetology school and worked at a coffee shop as well as gas station. My relationship with my boyfriend was all sorts of wrong but I hung on. That year he proposed to me. I didn't gush when I told people, especially when I told my mom. I wanted to wait it out for a while but he insisted that we only had a six month engagement. I graduated cosmetology school then immediately started a job. Wedding planning seemed to keep me busy outside of work so I didn't have much time to think about what I was really doing. Like every bride, I picked out my dress and picked my bridesmaids. I learned how to play the part of a gushing bride-to-be pretty well. The invites declared the date and time and secretly I dreaded putting them in the mail box because I knew, I KNEW, I was doing the wrong thing. My exact thoughts when I dropped over 100 invites in the mail box were, "there's no turning back now." This was going to be the rest of my life with a man I didn't feel safe with and didn't believe I should be with. That's the problem with being 18, even when you're an old soul, you make stupid decisions! Haha! Year 18 flew by and then it was year 19. With a wedding right around the corner I continued to feel hesitant about walking down that aisle. The aisle I imagined in my mind didn't seem long enough, I needed more time! It was a winter wedding and I was blessed to have some very good friends come from all over to be with me. When my bridesmaids joined me, I felt like begging them to take me home to Montana but instead I acted like I lived in a picture perfect world. My life looked good, glossy, like a 16x20 photo hanging on the living room wall of a couple with plastered on smiles, a white picket fence, and a puppy by their side. I didn't even know how to get out, I was so far in.

Our wedding day came along with a frigid Iowa blizzard. Guests were dropping off like flies because they weren't able to travel. I was determined to get this over with because I somehow convinced myself that things would change once we were married. The music started and with my arm locked in with my dad's arm, we walked down the aisle. I kept thinking I needed to be running in the opposite direction. I gulped back the tears and looked at each person staring at me as I used their faces as a distraction from what was to come. No one stopped me, not even myself. That night I cried, it was a mistake and I knew it. He tried to convince me it would be okay, I was just young and things would be great one day. I did my best to believe that and prayed for God to help me.

Less than two years later I crumbled. It was a shock to most and even to myself. It hit me one day, I was afraid of my future. In fact, it was like my eyes were wide open now. I was sad, I was terribly thin, and had acid reflux from stress. My mom and dad, though not fond of our relationship from the beginning, didn't know where this was all coming from. I spilled my guts about all of my thoughts from the beginning and what our actual marriage was like behind closed doors. I decided I wasn't going to be vulnerable anymore and a 20 foot wall went up. I separated from him mentally and physically. It was a whirlwind of emotions, insanity, and pain. We both hurt. I remember feeling my heart break in two. God speaks of vows and how serious they are. Whether I wanted to or not, I said vows and this intense pain was a repercussion of those vows breaking. I lost my first "love", lost friends, lost my mind. I continued to go to work and that seemed to be my hiding place. I could focus on making people feel pretty, chat with them, and grow in my career. I prayed and read my Bible but my relationship wasn't getting back on track. We both made poor decisions that ripped us further apart. It ended in a fury.

Lacking self esteem, direction, and hope I continued to press on. Finally I had a beautiful voice speak to me and through me. My God, My Savior who sent the Holy Spirit to comfort, said, "I gave you everything you wanted but did you ever ask Me what I wanted for you?" It was truth in my bones. All these goals, all these self reliant ways I had set up in my life only took me so far. I repented at that moment, fell to my knees and apologized for being so hard headed and controlling. I wholeheartedly gave myself to God at that point. I knew I only wanted to listen to Him from then on because His plan was better than I could ever imagine.

Shortly after I gave my plans over to God and decided to wait on Him, I met Scott. My 22nd birthday was my first birthday I celebrated with absolute joy. I had hope for the unknown and could care less about my plan because it was in His hands now. Here I am 10 years after my 18th birthday celebrating my birthday for a whole week. I don't wait for people to plan things for me, I celebrate my life however I want for a whole week. Now, I get to celebrate with an awesome husband, a beautiful baby girl, amazing family, and hilarious friends. I think back over the last 28 years and there are things that make me cringe a little but I can't regret them, I don't have time to maintain those regrets.


"For I know the plans that I have towards you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

With a promise like Jeremiah 29:11 how could you choose any other plan than His plan?

Praise God for His faithfulness and who He is.