Friday, August 15, 2014

A new life brings new stuff

If you read my last pregnancy blogs three years ago, you know that pregnancy is a real "issue" for me.  I'm up and down and all around with it.  From beginning to end, I just never know what I'm feeling or thinking about it.  I worked hard on other things through this pregnancy.  There were a lot of changes in my business and already having one child distracted me from remembering I was pregnant some days.  Scott was left to take care of Rhylan and me for many months while I worked and came home a hungry, hormonal mess.  I tried to help with bath time and bed time but there were many nights I ended up short-fused and crying.  One evening I put Rhylan in the bath and sat, uncomfortably, on the stool in front of her.  She played and wanted all my attention.  She decided she would toss a cup of water on me which made me more uncomfortable. I took a deep breath and did my best parenting job of telling her how I felt about that and gave her consequences if she were to choose to do that again.  The stinker looked at me and did it once more.  My eyes popped out of my head, I tightly put my lips together and felt my emotions set on fire.  There was no more sanity inside of me to actually follow through with a consequence that didn't include screaming and turning into a dragon mother that breathed fire.  Patience was non-existent at that point.  I got up, left the room, and called Scott who was outside mowing.  He only had about 15 minutes of mowing left but my shaky voice clued him in that tonight was not the night he could finish that job.  Tears of frustration came out along with an explanation of my "emergency" situation.  I told him about our turd of a child throwing water on me TWICE and that I was not able to handle the rest of the night.  He came in and talked to Rhylan about her choice, had her apologize to me then took over the nighttime duties.  I was in the bedroom crying, wondering why I couldn't pull myself together.  How could I be a wife, a mom to two children, and business owner?  Defeat is what I felt.  Although, I had pep talk after pep talk from friends, husband, and family, I just couldn't seem to wrap my head around how weak I felt some days.

As I neared the end of my pregnancy, there was a feeling of fear and anxiety creeping in on me.  Oh the confusion and words of discouragement in my head. Just some of the fears were labor, time off, sleepless nights, giving sufficient time to Scott, Rhylan, a new babe, a business AND myself.  I saw the headlights of change coming as quickly and as bright as a train in the night.  It was all coming and I had to adjust or else I would get run over.    

Once again, I prioritized a new schedule.  I worked on waking up a little earlier to get exercise in and journal/devotion time. Those changes alone helped me get out of my own head and leave some fears and thoughts on paper instead of haunting my busy brain.  I looked at labor again and concluded that I needed to prepare my heart for it.  I couldn't just go into labor thinking "I got this".  Scott and I started to talk more about the new life that was going to join us and we prepared her room to welcome her.  With Rhylan, it was all I could think about, and with this new babe, I had to make the choice to prioritize her.  It may sound awful but life was different this time around.  I'm thankful for the process and faithfulness that God graced us with over the last month.

The fear began to lift, the anxiety was driven out the door and joy was revealed in the little things. Sometimes there will be circumstances that naturally bring joy and sometimes you have to claim that joy and hold onto it, then reclaim it again and again.  Claim the victory, shout out the fear, then wake up and do it all over again.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Team Wrage pep talk

I figured I blog best when I have a baby in my belly so here I go again.  Here's a little bit of how 2014 has gone for me.  I love sharing my heart with others and sometimes it makes sense and sometimes it's just ramblings.

We thought we would try to get pregnant at the beginning of 2013 but there were circumstances that made us realize that it wouldn't be wise timing.  In May, we had a miscarriage and that rocked me like I never knew it could.  It didn't make me want a child one way or the other, it just showed me a lot emotionally about myself that I didn't know.  I mourned that loss and moved forward waiting for God to show me what was next.  When I turned 30, I felt like it was time to get to know myself again and reunite my relationship with myself.  After all, if you don't take time to invest your relationship with you, it's hard to fully invest in others.  It became my mission to get to know my heart and my soul again.  Scott and I were having some deep conversations about what we wanted for each other.  It was strange to see how much we had changed in 8 years.  We started to look back at our journey and see some items/baggage we had picked up along the way.  Conforming to what we thought business owners should look like, conforming to what married with a child should look like, conforming to the marriages around us.  I realized that I held resentment for his investment in friendships and tried to control that through guilt trips.  Instead of supporting him and examining my heart, I tried to hinder his joy.  I confessed this to him and asked for forgiveness.  He confessed that he rebelled against my requests sometimes because he didn't want me to have control.  See the vicious cycle that was occurring?  Suddenly we were having really productive, natural dialogue again.  I told him I wanted purple hair, he told me to do it.  I shared that I needed to work out on a regular basis, he told me to do it.  He told me he wanted to hang out with a friend and do pointless stuff (in my mind) and I told him to do it. Truly, we want the best  for each other.  When we first met over 8 years ago, I was an independent, very capable human.  I started using him to hold myself back.  "Scott, will you go get me this or do that? Scott, will you fix this?"  I was requesting things of him that I was fully capable of doing but I believe that it was becoming co-dependent behavior.  We talked about that issue and I worked on breaking little habits and began taking care of myself like I use to.  Our relationship was beginning to repair.  Neither one of us saw that it needed this healing but I thank God for breaking me down so we could be built back up.  I don't want my friends' marriages, I don't want to look like everyone else, I don't want to raise my kids to fit a mold.  I said it once before, I won't put all my eggs in Scott's basket, I put them in God's.  Scott is a wonderful addition to my life and has a wonderful purpose in my journey and I in his.  Same with Rhylan.  I had a person ask me what I loved most about being a parent and this is the first thing that came to my mind, "I love watching the process of how humans learn.  I love watching her grow and observe.  I cannot underestimate her gifts and talents and I feel so blessed to be apart of her journey.  I love that I can teach her how to do things and how to love.  The human journey is one never to be taken for granted.  It's a privilege to be apart of her life."  I don't need her to need me to feel like a real mom.  That is the privilege of raising a child, I have confidence of my purpose in her life.  She is a sweet sweet song that will never leave my heart.  It is my pleasure to see how God designed her and I will do my best to enable her to grow in a healthy, safe, loving, environment that focuses on continual growth.

Just when you think there's plenty of change going on and God can't possibly add more to your journey, He allows another traveler to our journey.  Baby August 2014 has joined team Wrage!