Sunday, June 2, 2013

An update

I definitely feel so blessed to have an outpouring of love and prayers since my last blog about my miscarriage.  Grieving is such a weird process.  Emotion is beautiful and God-given.  Taking time to really be in touch with such a loss is very foreign to me.  Last Saturday we went to a wedding and there were a few little babies around.  I even held a strangers baby which is so strange for me to do.  I didn't outright grab the baby but it was so adorable and tiny that it got passed from woman to woman and we all swooned over it's sweetness.  In my heart was a slight ache, in my throat I gulped back emotion.  Scott was chatting with family when I walked over and wrapped my arms around him and told him I was sad about losing our baby. He hugged me back and said some sweet words.

The next day during worship, I struggled with an ache in my heart.  I would've been 8 weeks pregnant.  Do I ignore the ache and convince myself that I will have a baby again someday?  OR do I lean into the Holy Spirit and ask for comfort which means that I have to feel emotion.  Sometimes I don't want to cry, sometimes I don't want people to know I'm a mess, and most of the time I convince myself I'll be alright.  My journal is always with me at church so I sat down and wrote to myself.  Journaling seems to be the only way I can really see my heart through all the convoluted ideas I believe to be true.  I began putting pen to paper and out came my real feelings.  Clearly, I was sad and I didn't need to hide this.  It's valid, it's real, and it's worth putting out there.

Almost immediately after writing I felt relief.  It amazes me every time I journal how quickly it helps me recover from anxiety, hidden emotion and fears.  Journaling brings to life situations that I don't necessarily take time to deal with and helps me process the situation in a healthy way.  It helps me take the steps to move forward and get out of my own head.  Do you ever have a situation that you keep talking to yourself about and eventually it gets so blown out of proportion in your head that you literally become paralyzed?  Those situations can almost always be healed with putting your thought life down on paper.  My prayers and thoughts will be in dozens of journals when I die.  

It's because I took five minutes to write out my heart's song that I had a lot of peace this week.  I have been able to talk about the miscarriage without tears, not that I am "over" it, but because I asked God to heal my sadness.  The healing began with first recognizing that I was sad and leaning into that true emotion and allowing grief to take it's process.  I learned this week that you can literally grieve any loss.  It's not just human loss, it can be loss of a childhood, loss of a relationship, loss of lifelong dreams, loss of a job, etc.

Take the time to get to know your heart's song because it will tell you if it's healthy or not.  Write it down, have a good cry, a good laugh, please just feel something, acknowledge it, take care of yourself and the joy will come with the morning.