Pull yourself together!

There are some of you who will relate to this when I identify myself as an undercover perfectionist. I hide most of those tendencies and learned how years ago. I am not a people pleaser perfectionist, I am a Krista pleaser perfectionist. It's not that I am super hard on others or have grand expectations of my surroundings, it's just me. When elementary school began I was inside at recess perfecting my times tables and division. I wasn't naturally gifted at these things but I worked hard to do well. When the report card came home I hesitated to hand my A's and B's to mom and dad. They always praised my grades but inside I thought I could do better. Why didn't I try harder? My parents basically told me I was good at everything but it never gave me a big head because I didn't necessarily believe it. Later in life I learned to tell myself I didn't care about things that I didn't naturally excel at. Every few months would come a big breakdown. I didn't know how to truly hand these expectations and burdens over to the Lord. When the breakdown would come it was really just a huge build up of all these disappointments in myself that had snowballed and I couldn't carry it anymore. Through my twenties God has been able to unravel my tightly knitted protective layers I put on. Little by little He has shown me things in GOOD and PERFECT timing. All this has helped me identify certain behavior a sooner so I can ask him to take my burdens instead of insisting that I can control my life. I cling to this verse:

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Being pregnant has yet shown me another tightly knitted layer I wear around me. This layer of perfectionism is called my body image. I have learned how to enjoy running, I have learned the art of healthy eating, I have learned how to get myself into swimsuit season but I have not learned how except change in my body. Every winter I give myself "grace" to gain a few seasonal pounds to enjoy some comfort food. Now that spring and summer are approaching I examine every inch of myself. I'm ready for the rebound! I'm ready to step into my shorts and let the light hit my legs! The reality is I will not fit into my shorts this summer, I will not look the same as I have since 9th grade. My husband says I must have blinders on because I look great. When someone is comfortable with something for so long it is hard, I mean HARD to let go. I never realized how my body image has controlled me for so long. I always thought because I had a good handle on my self-esteem that it wasn't an issue. Boy, was I wrong and I am wide awake to these issues. Dealing with them is a daily battle at this point. People tell me it's okay, I am suppose to be gaining weight because I am pregnant. Tell me all you want but it's not soaking in.

Some women go into pregnancy with arms wide open and ready for this amazing change to happen in their body. They realize they are the vessel God has chosen to carry their baby in. I am resisting this change for some odd reason. I have a sensible head about me, I really do. I understand that this is a blessing and in moments I feel blessed and proud to carry our baby inside of me. Most of the time though, all I see is that my pride and joy (my body image) is slowly expanding and morphing right before my eyes. It is a slap in the face to come to grips that all these years I have thought what a healthy person I am and then come to realize I carried some self-righteous pride with that. This is quite honestly one of the most humbling times in my life.

Women are the worst at picking out their flaws. I talk to women everyday about taking care of themselves and seeing themselves for who they really are. I see beautiful women sit in my chair and I think "why don't you really see how wonderful and beautiful you are?" Now, here I am, haunted by my negative thoughts. This is truly the work of the devil. It's just like him to sit here and tell beautiful women lies lies lies! This is a bunch of crap and I am not going to stand for it! I believe God made us in his image.

In the words Jesus, "Get behind Me, Satan! You are an offense to Me, for you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men." Matthew 16:23

Our world is polluted with sexuality and looking a certain way but God has created us to be different. Individuals sharing their gifts and talents and love. Love, Love, Love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Loving others and loving yourself is what will shine a light in this dim world. Writing this today has given me freedom I didn't expect, tears I didn't know I needed to shed, and layers of prideful disappointment scraped away.

I pray that the women who read this believe that God is bigger than the battle.

This is a song that touches my soul

You Fail Us Not:

Failure doesn’t phase You, worry doesn’t win,
Loss doesn’t leave You afraid to start again,
Our sin doesn’t shock You,
Our shame doesn’t shame You at all

Mistakes do not move You, terror doesn’t tame,
Death doesn’t doom You to life in the grave,
Our suffering doesn’t scare You,
Our secrets won’t surprise You at all

There is nothing above You,
There is nothing beyond You,
There is nothing that You can’t do…
There is no one beside You,
There is no one that’s like You,
There is nothing that You can’t do…

Whatever will come, we’ll rise above,
You fail us not, You fail us not,
No matter the war, our hope is secure,
You fail us not, You fail us not,
You fail us not…

Hatred doesn’t hide You, evil doesn’t ail,
Despair can’t disguise You and tell You that You’ve failed,
Our doubt doesn’t daunt You,
Our darkness won’t defeat You at all

You’re bigger than the battle,
You are bigger than the battle
You are bigger than the battle has ever been