Thursday, July 16, 2015

Morning Dove

If you have read my blog you know it was never in our plans to have a child and definitely not children plural.  From birth until now there have been numerous different phases of adjusting and much unknown.  Once you think your baby sleeps perfectly in the swaddle they begin to hate it. Their favorite puree is sweet potatoes then they suddenly start dry heaving at the smell of it.  You can dress them in whatever you want but one day they wake up only wanting to wear one single color head to toe for the next year.  The bath was the best part of the day and then it became the most hated and you end up soaked and everyone is exhausted.  The kid use to love cuddling then they don't and then they do and then they don't.  You get the point, right?  Without a doubt I can say that I see how people lose themselves in their kids. Spending each day trying to figure out how to give boundaries, keep them safe, feed them, keep them somewhat clean, take them to appointments, decide on childcare, healthcare, preschool and teach them to wipe their own butts.  All of this just in time to have another kid.  The second one, still challenging but a little less mystery.  Though less unknown in the day to day duties, now the new one has a different personality.  One was quiet and quick on the ball but then next kid is loud and could give two sh*ts about potty training.

My threenager gives me attitude, love, sweetness, and pushes all the boundaries.  She says adorable things all the time followed by the most logical argument on why she isn't worried about losing a privilege because she will find something different to do.  Once I think I have her pegged on discipline, she shows me that particular method doesn't work anymore.  Some nights I'm so dang tired of doing the bedtime routine so I skip one step (she won't notice I try to tell myself) and right when I think I have escaped the bedroom she sits up and reminds me of what we forgot to do.  Some nights I am graced with patience and the sentiment that she won't be this young forever.  Other nights I know Scott will do a way better job at being bedtime captain because if I were in there I would just jump ship or throw someone overboard.  Thankfully, when I do lose my cool, she's the most forgiving person I've ever met.  It's beautiful chaos living with a threenager.

I barely remember what it was like without children.  It's was as lonely as it was free.  I use to take selfies without guilt but now I throw a kid in the pic because my face alone just doesn't do the picture justice.  I use to post only pics of Scott and I on our kidless adventures but now it's usually the four of us squeezing into the camera view and me still trying to look cute and show off my new haircut while I hold a baby that keeps pulling my hair and poking my eye.  I can only daydream about the future of when the kids move out and Scott and I will travel around and be the cute old couple holding hands. Even when that day comes, I'm sure I'll be daydreaming about the day when our kids were little and went everywhere with us.

I'd be lying if I said that my kids were my life and that everything I do is for them.  The reality is that I learn more about love, life, discipline, grace, anger, joy, forgiveness, fear, anxiety, laughter because of them.  Right now, I'm learning more about myself than I think I ever could have without them. They are the reason that I'm not a workaholic, the reason I try to think positive about my body image, the reason I examine my motives more than ever, the reason I've tried to learn new things out of my comfort zone, the reason I embrace emotional craziness, the reason I accept a messy house, the reason I enjoy the quiet moments, the reason I fall in love with my husband when he does something sweet for them, the reason I can see the love my parents had for me by watching them with my girls, the reason I stop and smell the roses so they can know the sweet smell of a rose.

I think of it like this...

We don't need the birds to tell us to wake up in the morning, we have the sun for that.  The birds are a sweet addition to the mornings that let us know there's a little more to life than just what we need.  I am thankful to know the sweet song of a morning dove.

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