Sunday, March 2, 2014

Team Wrage pep talk

I figured I blog best when I have a baby in my belly so here I go again.  Here's a little bit of how 2014 has gone for me.  I love sharing my heart with others and sometimes it makes sense and sometimes it's just ramblings.

We thought we would try to get pregnant at the beginning of 2013 but there were circumstances that made us realize that it wouldn't be wise timing.  In May, we had a miscarriage and that rocked me like I never knew it could.  It didn't make me want a child one way or the other, it just showed me a lot emotionally about myself that I didn't know.  I mourned that loss and moved forward waiting for God to show me what was next.  When I turned 30, I felt like it was time to get to know myself again and reunite my relationship with myself.  After all, if you don't take time to invest your relationship with you, it's hard to fully invest in others.  It became my mission to get to know my heart and my soul again.  Scott and I were having some deep conversations about what we wanted for each other.  It was strange to see how much we had changed in 8 years.  We started to look back at our journey and see some items/baggage we had picked up along the way.  Conforming to what we thought business owners should look like, conforming to what married with a child should look like, conforming to the marriages around us.  I realized that I held resentment for his investment in friendships and tried to control that through guilt trips.  Instead of supporting him and examining my heart, I tried to hinder his joy.  I confessed this to him and asked for forgiveness.  He confessed that he rebelled against my requests sometimes because he didn't want me to have control.  See the vicious cycle that was occurring?  Suddenly we were having really productive, natural dialogue again.  I told him I wanted purple hair, he told me to do it.  I shared that I needed to work out on a regular basis, he told me to do it.  He told me he wanted to hang out with a friend and do pointless stuff (in my mind) and I told him to do it. Truly, we want the best  for each other.  When we first met over 8 years ago, I was an independent, very capable human.  I started using him to hold myself back.  "Scott, will you go get me this or do that? Scott, will you fix this?"  I was requesting things of him that I was fully capable of doing but I believe that it was becoming co-dependent behavior.  We talked about that issue and I worked on breaking little habits and began taking care of myself like I use to.  Our relationship was beginning to repair.  Neither one of us saw that it needed this healing but I thank God for breaking me down so we could be built back up.  I don't want my friends' marriages, I don't want to look like everyone else, I don't want to raise my kids to fit a mold.  I said it once before, I won't put all my eggs in Scott's basket, I put them in God's.  Scott is a wonderful addition to my life and has a wonderful purpose in my journey and I in his.  Same with Rhylan.  I had a person ask me what I loved most about being a parent and this is the first thing that came to my mind, "I love watching the process of how humans learn.  I love watching her grow and observe.  I cannot underestimate her gifts and talents and I feel so blessed to be apart of her journey.  I love that I can teach her how to do things and how to love.  The human journey is one never to be taken for granted.  It's a privilege to be apart of her life."  I don't need her to need me to feel like a real mom.  That is the privilege of raising a child, I have confidence of my purpose in her life.  She is a sweet sweet song that will never leave my heart.  It is my pleasure to see how God designed her and I will do my best to enable her to grow in a healthy, safe, loving, environment that focuses on continual growth.

Just when you think there's plenty of change going on and God can't possibly add more to your journey, He allows another traveler to our journey.  Baby August 2014 has joined team Wrage!

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