30 and I don't care who knows it.

Here I am, 30 years old.  I have moments of embracing it and moments of terror.  The embracing springs from being super blessed in my life.  No true complaints.  In my 20's I had a lot of development in my faith, relationships and career.  Divorced, married, bought a house, started a business, had a baby, and moved probably 8 times.  Quite honestly, it was a lot of work, so much work...sigh.  I think somewhere in there I lost apart of my joy and personality.  It's not that I don't think a lot of that was God's plan, it's just that I remember working very hard to be productive, do the right thing, dress the part, and learn to smile with my mouth.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I have a tendency to look disgruntled even while happy.  Being a business owner has it's demands for sure.  Occasionally, I yearn to be an employee.  Occasionally, I miss being able to leave work at work.  Occasionally, I wish I had invested more in friendships.  Occasionally, I wish I could be a better cook.  Occasionally, I wish I could be a better housekeeper.  Occasionally, I wonder what life would've been like if...(insert any random thought)

Back to being 30.  It's just a number, it's just a moment in this beautiful life.  Stumbling, fumbling through what God has for me, who He sees me as, is the big puzzle.  Looking around, I see people having babies, women staying at home with their kids, clothing changing, hairstyles more subtle and did I mention, people having babies.  For a second, I thought I wanted another baby.  Then, I started focusing on my business and where it needed to be stabilized.  Restructuring and systematically implementing all sorts of structure.  My head swirls around this baby and what's normal thing.  "Are you guys going to have another kid soon?"  I don't know when to plan that!  There are all sorts of reasons, each valid to the individual parent team, that they come up with for having their kids a certain amount of time apart.  I've heard, "so they can be friends growing up", "so the older one can help with the younger one", "so they can be in high school together" and "because I don't want to wait too long after the other one is out of diapers", and "my siblings and I were all 2 years apart", or my favorite, "because I don't want them to be an only child".  There are plenty more reasons that I can't recall.  So, here I am, remembering that I didn't want a kid in the first place and now I'm all tore up about doing the "right" thing by having another kid.  I'm weighing the pros and "cons" of having another baby.  I've concluded that for now, I would have another child because everyone else is doing it.  If a baby were to come into the picture, I would surely be full of joy for it, but for now, I'm content with my sweet Rhylan.  I welcome and rejoice with all the other babies coming into this world.  It's a blessing but just not going to happen for us right yet.

So, back to being 30.  What's normal?  Purple hair?  Having a lip piercing?  Isn't it time to knock that crap off?  Time to look mature, grow up.  Conform your style.  People are lurking, judging, waiting for that lip ring to come out.  I know most people accept my style but there are those ones that have a comment or two revealing their disapproval.  I've ranged my style from punk to hippy to business woman to a mix of all of those at once.  I like to change it up but where I really feel at home in my style is either a really tall pair of heels or my old school converse shoes.  I look at other well dressed women my age-ish and think they look adorable.  So off to target I go to try on what everyone else is wearing.  Nothing fits right, I don't feel like "me".  Not that clothes define us but I'm coming to grips with being okay with my "style".  I can wear my purple-ish hair and wild leggings without feeling self-conscience.  I'm 30 for goodness sakes!  Who cares?!? I may have pink hair in a month.  Why not?

I'm determined to laugh harder, love harder, and dance like I'm 20 (this time I don't care who's watching).  I want to get my business structured and I'm going to work hard on that.  In my free time, I want to invest in building new relationships.  Building new relationships draws me closer to Jesus because he was the ultimate relationship master, he knew how to meet people where they're at and I desire that.  I'm meeting me, right where I'm at...30 :)

An update

I definitely feel so blessed to have an outpouring of love and prayers since my last blog about my miscarriage.  Grieving is such a weird process.  Emotion is beautiful and God-given.  Taking time to really be in touch with such a loss is very foreign to me.  Last Saturday we went to a wedding and there were a few little babies around.  I even held a strangers baby which is so strange for me to do.  I didn't outright grab the baby but it was so adorable and tiny that it got passed from woman to woman and we all swooned over it's sweetness.  In my heart was a slight ache, in my throat I gulped back emotion.  Scott was chatting with family when I walked over and wrapped my arms around him and told him I was sad about losing our baby. He hugged me back and said some sweet words.

The next day during worship, I struggled with an ache in my heart.  I would've been 8 weeks pregnant.  Do I ignore the ache and convince myself that I will have a baby again someday?  OR do I lean into the Holy Spirit and ask for comfort which means that I have to feel emotion.  Sometimes I don't want to cry, sometimes I don't want people to know I'm a mess, and most of the time I convince myself I'll be alright.  My journal is always with me at church so I sat down and wrote to myself.  Journaling seems to be the only way I can really see my heart through all the convoluted ideas I believe to be true.  I began putting pen to paper and out came my real feelings.  Clearly, I was sad and I didn't need to hide this.  It's valid, it's real, and it's worth putting out there.

Almost immediately after writing I felt relief.  It amazes me every time I journal how quickly it helps me recover from anxiety, hidden emotion and fears.  Journaling brings to life situations that I don't necessarily take time to deal with and helps me process the situation in a healthy way.  It helps me take the steps to move forward and get out of my own head.  Do you ever have a situation that you keep talking to yourself about and eventually it gets so blown out of proportion in your head that you literally become paralyzed?  Those situations can almost always be healed with putting your thought life down on paper.  My prayers and thoughts will be in dozens of journals when I die.  

It's because I took five minutes to write out my heart's song that I had a lot of peace this week.  I have been able to talk about the miscarriage without tears, not that I am "over" it, but because I asked God to heal my sadness.  The healing began with first recognizing that I was sad and leaning into that true emotion and allowing grief to take it's process.  I learned this week that you can literally grieve any loss.  It's not just human loss, it can be loss of a childhood, loss of a relationship, loss of lifelong dreams, loss of a job, etc.

Take the time to get to know your heart's song because it will tell you if it's healthy or not.  Write it down, have a good cry, a good laugh, please just feel something, acknowledge it, take care of yourself and the joy will come with the morning.

A week to remember

For many reasons Mother's Day is becoming a very special day in my life.  It recognizes my mom, myself as a mother, and helps me appreciate what a beautiful career life a mother has.  I'm reveling in this moment.  Sigh...life is good.

This Mother's Day marks another journey in my life.  I'm saddened by this journey yet God has put His love out there for me to rest in.  The week before last I found out I was pregnant.  I was unexpectedly surprised and Scott, of course, was elated!  I thought we were going to wait a little while until we had another baby but suddenly we had a new adventure.  For about five days I settled into the idea that Rhylan would have a sibling and my attitude would be different this time.  I knew what to expect for the most part and I was so relieved that I didn't feel scared.  Scott and I looked at each other with smiles and I thanked God for whatever His plan was.  All of it came back to me as I thought further down the road when we would hear the heartbeat, feel the baby move for the first time, watch my ankles swell, and I imagined Rhylan watching my belly grow.  All within a few days my mind and heart were attached to new life growing and forming just the way God intended it, cell by cell and then a heart, fingers, toes, the way humans begin.  It's a beautiful mystery, indeed.

The sad part started on Tuesday.  A little blood, then a little cramping, then more blood.  I could tell something wasn't right.  I maintained my composure as I called the doctor and told them what was happening.  I went in for blood tests for my hormone levels and they told me to come back in 48 hours to see if they had raised or dropped.  Off to work and my heart was heavy for the unknown.  Like any other day, I laughed with my clients and coworkers but was becoming more vulnerable as the night went on.  Every time I talked to Scott he told me that it might be all okay and not to worry.  He was comforting but I was still nervous.  Wednesday came and I still bled through the day.  I looked up all sorts of things about miscarriage on the internet and suddenly I felt God say "in the stillness, I am there."  I stopped stalking the internet and trusted in His softly spoken words.  I prayed and cried and prayed and cried.  When I came home I played with Rhylan and rested in the "stillness."  I thanked God for the miracle that she is and we went to bed.

Thursday morning I woke up knowing that I had to go to get blood tests again to find out if I had miscarried. I felt brave enough to take Rhylan with me and she was such a good girl while they took a vile of blood.  I waited two hours then called the doctor.  They informed me that my hormone levels had lowered significantly and it was no longer a viable pregnancy.  God had prepared my heart for this moment.  I called Scott and I heard the sadness in his voice which was comforting to know I wasn't alone in my pain.  I called my mom and she was there in my sadness with me.  This little bunch of forming cells had made a new home in my heart and now was leaving me little by little.  Some may not call it a baby but I don't know how else it would have such an impact on my life if it were not the beginning of something great.  The beginning of a great human being, how we all began.  There are a lot of reasons that women miscarry but at this moment, it doesn't matter to me why, it is that it was the beginning of someone close to my heart.

Over the last few days I have cried so much that my vulnerability has caused me close myself up in my house.  Scott has held me and comforted me more than I knew he could.  My family and friends have sent so many prayers and so much love that at first I didn't know how to receive it.  It's hard saying that I'm not okay when I've always tried to be the strong one.  I was crying and praying, believing God had something to reveal through this.  I don't believe He caused the miscarriage but I believe there was purpose behind it.  As I sang in church today and thought about how many great hugs and prayers I was getting, purpose was revealed.  God showed His love through other people.  My dad had been calling me every day, my mom was giving me nurturing mommy hugs, Scott's mom was loving on me, my friends were sending their prayers and love and my Studio7 family responded with genuine love and concern.  It was beautiful the way God's people came along side of me and gave their hearts.  Simple words of comfort like, "I'm so sorry this happened to you" meant the world to me.  Through this sad time, God gave me love and for the first time in a long while, I accepted my weakness and grieved the loss of the beginning of life and the idea of what was to come.

Thank you family, thank you friends.  I will take this loss step by step and heal in God's timing.  I'm soaking up the love as much as I love soaking up the hot sun.

To all my mom-friends and dad-friends out there that have experienced this...
God, I pray that you love us through this and that we can rest in your stillness even when the stillness feels to hard to handle.  Even when we feel like we need control, I pray you speak your restful words into our hearts, minds, and souls.  When we grieve, comfort us.  When we cry until we feel dry, fill our hearts back up to overflowing.  Through these moments of our human weakness, we are stronger in You.  You are our purpose for going on, our blessings come from you and help us to see past the sorrow.  Thank you for the emotions and taking us step by step through this trying time.  I pray against fear of loss of future pregnancies.  Give us contentment in your perfect plan.  Help us to remember the beautiful life that was forming and that our babies will meet us in heaven again.  Thank you for how you have formed us and continue to form us until the day we meet you.  Until that day, thank you for who you are.  Amen.

Baby Rhylan

Rhylan Jo

• She is 19 months old
• Talking as much as she can
• Shy when she wants to be
• Loves to hold mama's hand
• Went through a "no" phase that embarrassed and annoyed us
• She says "I lo lu" or as we say, "I love you"
• Fake laughing is her new "no"
• Eats like a sumo wrestler which explains why my "little baby" is wearing high-watered pants
• Goes to bed easy, wakes up like a wretch
• Falls asleep to "Jesus loves me" every night and sometimes at nap time
• Loves her grandparents soooo much and what happens there, stays there
• Fox and Fork tend to sound like another "f" word
• She rides in the car like a champ but getting her into her car seat is a real pain in my @ss
• I give her blowout hairstyles like the early 2000's Hilary Clinton
• I first wrap her up in her bath towel like it's a straight jacket so I can achieve the blowout
• She loves her stay at home dada and cries when he leaves but only whimpers when mama leaves
• Drawing and paintings of her own hang on her bedroom walls
• Shapes and numbers are her side hobby but she doesn't make a habit of them
• Naked is her favorite outfit since she has learned to undo her diaper
• Shoe love has been passed down into her DNA
• Bath time isn't her favorite past time
• Nemo is "mio" and she will request it 12 times per day
• IPTV is the Wrage's new favorite channel
• Mama insists that she should watch The Today Show from time to time
• She jumps
• She whines, whines, whines
• Timeout is a new past time
• We have to keep the house clean or she says, "it's mess!"
• Her mouth is full of tiny white teeth that she loves to brush or just put the toothbrush in her mouth
• She gets chocolate chips for going potty on the potty
• She happily eats a lot of healthy foods and I am the "crazy" mom that stops people from giving her junk food
• I missed her 18 month check up...bad parents!
• I laugh hysterically when she tries to put my bra on
• We laugh a lot with her and at her...

Life with "Baby Rhylan" is good

Picture obsessed!!

Oh how time flies by.  It's no different than any other year but we all keep saying how we can't believe another year has past.  I guess it's because we have no physical way of stopping time so we take five billion pictures.  We even go as far as to document what nail color we picked or even a hearty dinner.  It seems ridiculous to most people why we would put all this information out there.  I can see why it looks silly that we put pictures of our kids looking like kids but those are moments I want to freeze in time.  I want to remember the first time she made that "crazy" face on command, the first time she put a party hat on, the first time she made a kissy face to her dada.  Pictures have an amazing place in my life and I share about 1/1000th of the stock that I have on my computer and phone.  When my mom pulls out the old photo album of when grandpa was alive, it takes me back to that day when I walked six blocks to his apartment, ate some candy and told him I wanted to marry him.  Without those pictures he would be a faded face.  Without pictures, Rhylan's first moments may be a fuzzy whirlwind.  Because of pictures I can clearly look at her first four months of life like I'm right back there smiling, thinking I can't imagine her any bigger. 

My dad, Sami, Josh, Krista.  1988 or 89

  

Who does Rhylan get that crazy open mouth face from??? 

November 2012

 Scott doing his first swaddle August 2011

Rhylan's first day in the snow. December 2012

The old movies and the old pictures help us to know that it was real.  There were fun times and there were hard times.  I recently found a "great" picture of me that was snapped while I was in labor pushing out baby Rhylan.  Wow!  That was a memory I could forget!  Just kidding...sort of :)  

Every time I watch The Sound of Music or White Christmas I fall in love with the characters, clothing, dancing, lingo, and cinematography. It's romantic, dramatic and dreamy.  That's why Instagram takes the stage in photo apps.  People are in love with knowing there was a moment that made us so full of joy that we needed to make it history.

It's the past that helps us appreciate the present and it's the present that represents our future.   

Happy 2013!  I hope there are billion moments worthy of picture taking this year!