Here we goooooo

Starting this is not easy for me and quite frankly I don't want to. However, I feel strongly led to write about this life changing event. Scott and I are expecting our first child. Even as I write I tear up. My emotions are everywhere! Let's start at week four just for kicks and giggles. Years ago I learned to be very in tune to my body and right as I realized that I might be ummm...pregnant(still not 100% comfortable with the word "pregnant") I went into a slight state of denial for about 5 days. These were the main symptoms that tipped me off.
-Crocodile tears would come to my eyes while watching a commercial, yelling at my dear sweet husband came without remorse, and a slight imbalance came over my body. Something just wasn't right.

Here's some background about Scott and me. My childhood dreams did not consist of growing up and having babies. I never thought that way...ask my mom. I told her to never expect a grandchild from me and if it did happen they would be from a different ethnicity and country. Scott didn't even think he would get married...HA! On our second date there was a child looking over a booth at us in a restaurant. We both rolled our eyes in annoyance. Right then I knew Scott was the man for me. How romantic.

When I grabbed the stick that determined our future I tried to be super nonchalant about it. Even Scott wasn't aware that I was ready to urinate on a stick to rid myself of these "symptoms" that I made up in my head. Initially I was prepared to just walk away and wait the three minutes then my life would go back to normal. In desperate curiosity I waited only 10 seconds and before I had time to blink it came up POSITIVE. There was absolutely no time to process anything. I screamed "Scott!!!! I'm pregnant!!!!" An instant later he was in the bathroom grasping for some words. All I really saw was his smile in the midst of my freak out. I was hyperventilating and he was trying to rejoice. My life flashed before my eyes, my future, my body, our relationship. This was all going to change forever. I knew God had this plan for us and for the first time in my life I was scared to death of His plan. After I began to breath again Scott took my breath away again. He said, "Right after you told me you were pregnant I loved you even more. It's hard to explain but my love grew for you." It was solidified that he was going to be the best partner, parent,and support in this crazy journey of bringing another life into our world.

Even after 22 years of knowing that God's plan is better than my own I lacked faith and trust. It sucked! I couldn't believe that something like this could rock my world in such a negative way. So many rejoice and wait years for news like this and I was ready to jump ship. I felt guilty for that but couldn't help the way I felt. A deep sadness took over. It may be a combination of hormones and whatever else. All I knew was that I couldn't pray hard enough for peace of mind. I had a good friend of mine pray for me. It was humbling to ask for help, especially in this area because so many people desire to be parents and we have so many friend that are parents. It made me feel so selfish. I truly wanted to have a better state of mind and not take this for granted. She prayed for me only desiring God's will. As she prayed I still had thoughts of negativity, sadness, and I was still grasping for control. Nearing the end of the prayer I felt no change. About one sentence before the prayer ended I felt relaxation. It was all up and down my body. Suddenly, I felt okay. Not amazing, not full of joy but okay. That was surely enough for me!!! I didn't need a revelation or a charismatic jolt of Holy Spirit. God gave me enough and I didn't feel jipped.

The next day I woke up to this super strange dream. Our child looked similar to Nemo and was swimming in and out of plants in my uterus. What? That's weird. Somehow it gave me comfort as we drove to our ultrasound. The ultrasound tech immediately picked up a heartbeat and put our baby up on the monitor. It was surreal and surprising to say the least. Our lives forever changed by that "thump thump thump thump." I cried, this time, tears of joy. Scott gulped back his tears and his face lit up while holding my hand.

The tech handed us a picture of a blob, I mean a baby, and we walked out grasping hands tighter than ever. This was just the beginning...