A week to remember

For many reasons Mother's Day is becoming a very special day in my life.  It recognizes my mom, myself as a mother, and helps me appreciate what a beautiful career life a mother has.  I'm reveling in this moment.  Sigh...life is good.

This Mother's Day marks another journey in my life.  I'm saddened by this journey yet God has put His love out there for me to rest in.  The week before last I found out I was pregnant.  I was unexpectedly surprised and Scott, of course, was elated!  I thought we were going to wait a little while until we had another baby but suddenly we had a new adventure.  For about five days I settled into the idea that Rhylan would have a sibling and my attitude would be different this time.  I knew what to expect for the most part and I was so relieved that I didn't feel scared.  Scott and I looked at each other with smiles and I thanked God for whatever His plan was.  All of it came back to me as I thought further down the road when we would hear the heartbeat, feel the baby move for the first time, watch my ankles swell, and I imagined Rhylan watching my belly grow.  All within a few days my mind and heart were attached to new life growing and forming just the way God intended it, cell by cell and then a heart, fingers, toes, the way humans begin.  It's a beautiful mystery, indeed.

The sad part started on Tuesday.  A little blood, then a little cramping, then more blood.  I could tell something wasn't right.  I maintained my composure as I called the doctor and told them what was happening.  I went in for blood tests for my hormone levels and they told me to come back in 48 hours to see if they had raised or dropped.  Off to work and my heart was heavy for the unknown.  Like any other day, I laughed with my clients and coworkers but was becoming more vulnerable as the night went on.  Every time I talked to Scott he told me that it might be all okay and not to worry.  He was comforting but I was still nervous.  Wednesday came and I still bled through the day.  I looked up all sorts of things about miscarriage on the internet and suddenly I felt God say "in the stillness, I am there."  I stopped stalking the internet and trusted in His softly spoken words.  I prayed and cried and prayed and cried.  When I came home I played with Rhylan and rested in the "stillness."  I thanked God for the miracle that she is and we went to bed.

Thursday morning I woke up knowing that I had to go to get blood tests again to find out if I had miscarried. I felt brave enough to take Rhylan with me and she was such a good girl while they took a vile of blood.  I waited two hours then called the doctor.  They informed me that my hormone levels had lowered significantly and it was no longer a viable pregnancy.  God had prepared my heart for this moment.  I called Scott and I heard the sadness in his voice which was comforting to know I wasn't alone in my pain.  I called my mom and she was there in my sadness with me.  This little bunch of forming cells had made a new home in my heart and now was leaving me little by little.  Some may not call it a baby but I don't know how else it would have such an impact on my life if it were not the beginning of something great.  The beginning of a great human being, how we all began.  There are a lot of reasons that women miscarry but at this moment, it doesn't matter to me why, it is that it was the beginning of someone close to my heart.

Over the last few days I have cried so much that my vulnerability has caused me close myself up in my house.  Scott has held me and comforted me more than I knew he could.  My family and friends have sent so many prayers and so much love that at first I didn't know how to receive it.  It's hard saying that I'm not okay when I've always tried to be the strong one.  I was crying and praying, believing God had something to reveal through this.  I don't believe He caused the miscarriage but I believe there was purpose behind it.  As I sang in church today and thought about how many great hugs and prayers I was getting, purpose was revealed.  God showed His love through other people.  My dad had been calling me every day, my mom was giving me nurturing mommy hugs, Scott's mom was loving on me, my friends were sending their prayers and love and my Studio7 family responded with genuine love and concern.  It was beautiful the way God's people came along side of me and gave their hearts.  Simple words of comfort like, "I'm so sorry this happened to you" meant the world to me.  Through this sad time, God gave me love and for the first time in a long while, I accepted my weakness and grieved the loss of the beginning of life and the idea of what was to come.

Thank you family, thank you friends.  I will take this loss step by step and heal in God's timing.  I'm soaking up the love as much as I love soaking up the hot sun.

To all my mom-friends and dad-friends out there that have experienced this...
God, I pray that you love us through this and that we can rest in your stillness even when the stillness feels to hard to handle.  Even when we feel like we need control, I pray you speak your restful words into our hearts, minds, and souls.  When we grieve, comfort us.  When we cry until we feel dry, fill our hearts back up to overflowing.  Through these moments of our human weakness, we are stronger in You.  You are our purpose for going on, our blessings come from you and help us to see past the sorrow.  Thank you for the emotions and taking us step by step through this trying time.  I pray against fear of loss of future pregnancies.  Give us contentment in your perfect plan.  Help us to remember the beautiful life that was forming and that our babies will meet us in heaven again.  Thank you for how you have formed us and continue to form us until the day we meet you.  Until that day, thank you for who you are.  Amen.

Baby Rhylan

Rhylan Jo

• She is 19 months old
• Talking as much as she can
• Shy when she wants to be
• Loves to hold mama's hand
• Went through a "no" phase that embarrassed and annoyed us
• She says "I lo lu" or as we say, "I love you"
• Fake laughing is her new "no"
• Eats like a sumo wrestler which explains why my "little baby" is wearing high-watered pants
• Goes to bed easy, wakes up like a wretch
• Falls asleep to "Jesus loves me" every night and sometimes at nap time
• Loves her grandparents soooo much and what happens there, stays there
• Fox and Fork tend to sound like another "f" word
• She rides in the car like a champ but getting her into her car seat is a real pain in my @ss
• I give her blowout hairstyles like the early 2000's Hilary Clinton
• I first wrap her up in her bath towel like it's a straight jacket so I can achieve the blowout
• She loves her stay at home dada and cries when he leaves but only whimpers when mama leaves
• Drawing and paintings of her own hang on her bedroom walls
• Shapes and numbers are her side hobby but she doesn't make a habit of them
• Naked is her favorite outfit since she has learned to undo her diaper
• Shoe love has been passed down into her DNA
• Bath time isn't her favorite past time
• Nemo is "mio" and she will request it 12 times per day
• IPTV is the Wrage's new favorite channel
• Mama insists that she should watch The Today Show from time to time
• She jumps
• She whines, whines, whines
• Timeout is a new past time
• We have to keep the house clean or she says, "it's mess!"
• Her mouth is full of tiny white teeth that she loves to brush or just put the toothbrush in her mouth
• She gets chocolate chips for going potty on the potty
• She happily eats a lot of healthy foods and I am the "crazy" mom that stops people from giving her junk food
• I missed her 18 month check up...bad parents!
• I laugh hysterically when she tries to put my bra on
• We laugh a lot with her and at her...

Life with "Baby Rhylan" is good

Picture obsessed!!

Oh how time flies by.  It's no different than any other year but we all keep saying how we can't believe another year has past.  I guess it's because we have no physical way of stopping time so we take five billion pictures.  We even go as far as to document what nail color we picked or even a hearty dinner.  It seems ridiculous to most people why we would put all this information out there.  I can see why it looks silly that we put pictures of our kids looking like kids but those are moments I want to freeze in time.  I want to remember the first time she made that "crazy" face on command, the first time she put a party hat on, the first time she made a kissy face to her dada.  Pictures have an amazing place in my life and I share about 1/1000th of the stock that I have on my computer and phone.  When my mom pulls out the old photo album of when grandpa was alive, it takes me back to that day when I walked six blocks to his apartment, ate some candy and told him I wanted to marry him.  Without those pictures he would be a faded face.  Without pictures, Rhylan's first moments may be a fuzzy whirlwind.  Because of pictures I can clearly look at her first four months of life like I'm right back there smiling, thinking I can't imagine her any bigger. 

My dad, Sami, Josh, Krista.  1988 or 89

  

Who does Rhylan get that crazy open mouth face from??? 

November 2012

 Scott doing his first swaddle August 2011

Rhylan's first day in the snow. December 2012

The old movies and the old pictures help us to know that it was real.  There were fun times and there were hard times.  I recently found a "great" picture of me that was snapped while I was in labor pushing out baby Rhylan.  Wow!  That was a memory I could forget!  Just kidding...sort of :)  

Every time I watch The Sound of Music or White Christmas I fall in love with the characters, clothing, dancing, lingo, and cinematography. It's romantic, dramatic and dreamy.  That's why Instagram takes the stage in photo apps.  People are in love with knowing there was a moment that made us so full of joy that we needed to make it history.

It's the past that helps us appreciate the present and it's the present that represents our future.   

Happy 2013!  I hope there are billion moments worthy of picture taking this year! 

My rant

Who believes in the future?  Who believes that the future is the decisions that you make now?   My mom asked me about voting and I just babbled on and on about no one taking personal responsibility for their own actions and finances.  I rant only when I have recently seen my own faults.  I was feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and complaining about money, my relationship, taxes (dang taxes) and feeling like there was no path to a brighter future.  My negativity wasn't coming from only the external, it was coming from poor choices I've made "in the moment", blaming others, and lack of time management.  It was time for some internal weight to be taken off.

That extra weight of the world may be coming from your own decisions if...

• you are late paying rent but just bought the latest Halo game for XBOX
• your electricity nearly gets shut off every month but you just filled a cart full of non-essentials at Target
• you can't afford healthcare but you eat out every day, smoke a pack a day, and drink $40 worth of booze every weekend.  
• you complain about not having money and then eat out every day 
• you tell everyone and their dog about your problems but don't do anything to change them
• you would rather take vacations... then pay your mortgage
• you grab a coffee, scone, and leave a tip and then panic when you overdraft your bank account
• you complain about taxes but do you really know how much you pay in taxes compared to how much "good" marketing sucked you right into the IPHONE5, a case for it, a charger for home and your car, and a few apps?
• you talk about gas prices going up but haven't peddled a bike or walked a few blocks in years
• you say you have no time for anything but you update your facebook status, instagram, and twitter 12 times per day
• you say that you should reeeeally clean your car out but a rerun of the Kardashians is on
• you say that you never see your spouse but you're online 2 hours a day
• you say that counseling isn't for you but you tell all your friends all your issues
• you tell everyone that you just don't understand why your kid can't pull it together but you never let them learn or grow because you want to be a hero all day and clean up their messes for them
• you don't have time to volunteer to help others but you find yourself at Walmart in the clearance aisle for 30 minutes at a time plus the other 45 minutes where you add $50 more dollars worth of crap in your cart that you don't need
• you can't afford to eat healthy but you can afford beer and cigs
• you continue to buy the latest clothing styles, phones, toys, gadgets, etc for your kids but wonder why they don't respect you when you say no, or don't make time for you or the family.  (You are teaching them to take you for granted) 
• you are jealous of everyone else's stuff so you go buy your own stuff only to regret it, just like the person you were admiring did after they bought all their stuff

Honestly, I'm not on a high horse, I just hired a financial adviser to help us see the big picture of our future because I have chosen several of these options.  I easily had several of these things on my list!  I hated the way I felt about my future and I was getting so stuck in the problems of today that I forgot the hope of tomorrow.  

I recently had a realization that my life is continuing to go at the same pace  it always has.  I KNOW, REVOLUTION!  It's not slowing down!  If I am going around in circles with my financial situation because I can't handle walking into Target or a mall without blowing my savings, then we have a problem.  Yes, I do love to save but I also love shoes!  I have to make a choice of buying shoes that will be out of style next year or invest in my long term future.  Honestly, shoes win about half the time.  I do love my husband but if I'm not daily or heck, even weekly investing in him then I'm not investing in my future with him.  I talk to people of all ages and I have come to realize that we really don't change if we don't change.  Age doesn't change a person, a person who takes the time to make a change is the only way that people change.  Sometimes it takes almost losing a life to change and sometimes you lose your business, your house, your kids, your job, your car, your spouse, or your best friend.  

Change isn't always about the right timing or a feeling, it's about investing in your future.  If you have a vision for your child, then invest in your child, start a savings for them, teach them how to respect others and prepare for the future, teach them to contribute to society instead of only taking.  Don't wait for the future to change you, you change your future.  Think positively about it, write down goals, take your time to make time for important things.  If you write your goals down, map it out, dream it, envision it, walk it, and live it. Ignore negativity and for goodness sake, stop saying YOLO (you only live once) while you blow your future dreams only to wake up and it's reality and you have to start over...AGAIN.  Ask for help, get accountability for goal setting, make sacrifices.  Do you really need the latest and greatest?  Ask yourself where that need is coming from, do you want acceptance, do you think you aren't great enough as you are?  Like yourself, and love yourself.  

I know that voting does make a difference but don't get sucked into the negativity.  Let's talk about the good stories, lets start at home with positive words and let it spread.  Pay it forward by giving someone a compliment, make a lunch for someone, carpool, go for a walk with a new friend, make your significant other feel special, and take time to volunteer.  Remember the "Golden Rule", do unto others as you would have them do to you.  Take responsibility for your actions because that will make the world change.

And as that band Wilson-Phillip said in 1990 ...  I just got that song stuck in your head, don't deny it, you're going to sing it all day :)  You're welcome.

HOLD ON
I know this pain 
Why do lock yourself up in these chains? 
No one can change your life except for you 
Don't ever let anyone step all over you 
Just open your heart and your mind 
Is it really fair to feel this way inside? 

Chorus: 
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to 
Turn around and say goodbye 
Until then baby are you going to let them 
Hold you down and make you cry 
Don't you know? 
Don't you know things can change 
Things'll go your way 
If you hold on for one more day 
Can you hold on for one more day 
Things'll go your way 
Hold on for one more day 

You could sustain 
Or are you comfortable with the pain? 
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness 
You got yourself into your own mess 
Lettin' your worries pass you by 
Don't you think it's worth your time 
To change your mind? 

(chorus) 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/w/wilson+phillips/hold+on_20147057.html ] 
I know that there is pain 
But you hold on for one more day and 
Break free the chains 
Yeah I know that there is pain 
But you hold on for one more day and you 
Break free, break from the chains 

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to 
Turn around and say goodbye 
Until then baby are you going to let them 
Hold you down and make you cry 
Don't you know? 
Don't you know things can change 
Things'll go your way 
If you hold on for one more day yeah 
If you hold on 

Don't you know things can change 
Things'll go your way 
If you hold on for one more day, 
If you hold on 
Can you hold on 
Hold on baby 
Won't you tell me now 
Hold on for one more day 'cause 
It's gonna go your way 

Don't you know things can change 
Things'll go your way 
If you hold on for one more day 
Can't you change it this time 

Make up your mind 
Hold on 
Hold on 
Baby hold on

Give it up

Giving did not come to me as a natural gift.  It's something I've prayed about for years.  I've always had this natural desire to keep and save.  Save and keep.  I would save my halloween candy for a year and only eat one piece at a time.  What a strange thing for a child to do.  I couldn't give up clothing, toys, old notebooks, or work books for anything.  I hauled stuffed animals around with me for until I was 21 years old and I met my husband.  He gave me a huge television box and told me to throw all the stuff I don't need into it.  I gasped and felt a twist in my gut.  What if throwing all that away made me forget what it was like when I was younger?  He gave me a much smaller box and said, "choose carefully".  What ended up happening was he went to work and then came home several hours later to me surrounded by a pile of nastalgia.  I was reminiscing over toys and pictures and shoes.  Oh, how I love shoes.  Below, you'll see my love of shoes looks like a taiwanese shoe store at the night market.  It's GLORIOUS!  Hahaha!

I eventually threw out, gave away, consigned several things and felt lighter.  I don't regret it, I don't look back and think about that thing I don't remember because I didn't need it if I don't remember it.  Make sense?  Anyways, I since have prayed about having a more generous heart with things, money, my talents, and time.  I don't mean spreading myself thin but I mean having a heart for people and investing in human hearts.  That of course, is what it's all about right?  What's the point of living on this beautiful earth if you are only going to take take take.  NOTHING.  If we aren't investing in relationships, what are we investing in?

I knew when God told Scott and I to open a salon, that he meant not to make us rich in money but rich in community.  He has led us in various ways to give and I'm so thankful God has transformed my heart from a scrooge to someone who loves to give.  We are humbled all the time by His perfect plan.

Human shield

Every year there is life and death.  Last year my baby was brought to life through some crazy miracle of a sperm meeting an egg, then I grew this person inside of me for quite some time, then I pushed this person out of my twa-twa (as my mom use to call it) and THEN i fed this person all the nutrition she could possibly need.  WHOA!  One whole year flew by and as I like to say, everything that's good goes fast except for the last 8 weeks of pregnancy.  As I've watched the miracle of life, I have also experienced the fragility of life and relationships.  As of maybe 7 years ago, I wasn't personally in touch with how life and death worked.  My grandpa passed away in 2006 of old age.  He was a fantastic grandpa with a sense of humor that he made work for him up until his last breath.  I witnessed his death and it was life altering because I literally felt the presence of his spirit leave.  I tear up thinking about him basking in the sun in our front yard with his shirt sleeves rolled up and his face tilted up towards the sun.  I always knew, as a kid, that on any given day I would see him either in our yard or in the blue la-z-boy chair in the living room.  Years have passed and there hasn't been a death that impacted me so much.  Or at least that I let impact me.

Cancer...we're all f'ed.  Isn't that how it feels when every week/month/year someone close to you or you work with is cursed with the word cancer.  I remember I had a client who was 24 years old when he told me he had cancer.  I was shocked because I was 24.  Probably, much to his annoyance, I questioned him about his first symptoms, his diagnosis, his prognosis, his treatments and his emotions.  He kept coming back to me for haircuts so somehow, I must have not chased him off with my naive questions.  This young man was fortunate enough to see the cancer move on.  That's what cancer does, even though not contagious, it just seems to move on and next thing you know, you're hearing the next person's story of cancer.

Our world doesn't have an outbreak of cancer but a deficiency of love.  We are in a drought of love.  I'm not talking about a feeling, I'm not talking about reality tv love, I'm talking about the real gritty love that God calls us to.  The selfless love that spreads steady and with a foundation so firm it can not be ripped away from you.  What was meant for evil, turns to good and turns to love.

Through this evil, I've seen families run together that were once parted by selfishness and hurt.  I've seen the immense strength and determination to fight for somebody's life.  Friends who forget to keep in touch suddenly step in and take action to act as a shield.  People are literally using themselves as weapons against this damn cancer.  Where there was no money, there's money to help with bills.  Where there was no hope, there is suddenly a new sunny day.  Where the prognosis was 6 months, the patient lives an extra two years.  Where there is death, there is a people left behind praising God for the time they had together.  Where a life had no meaning, damn it, people find meaning.  Where people couldn't find time, they make new priorities.  We are reduced down to what we are made from, LOVE.  Some people get scared and run but most of the time you will observe a human fortress of love overcome the sick.

I sent this verse to a friend yesterday

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.     JAMES 1:2-4

Remember there is work being done in us that we can not see until it has been done.

My heart goes out to you that suffer and are sick.  I cry because I know that I'm not immune to evil touching my life but I rejoice always because I know that I will have a human fortress putting up their shields and pointing their swords outward ready to slay evil.  Thank God for the strength He gives us to battle for love.  It's not always about life but it is always about LOVE.

Part 1 and Part two...what a day!

1st Part of the day:
Today started out with Rhylan being brought to me while I was in bed.  She laid on my lap and said some words then laughed.  It brought so much joy to the start of my day.  After getting ready for work, I headed to the main floor just in time to hear Scott yell, "help! help!"  I headed towards the voice.  Scott and Rhylan were in the bathroom and he said, "Hurry, help me!  I was taking her to the toilet to poop but she already started in her diaper and now it's all over her leg!"  This was all said in a panicky voice and I couldn't help but laugh.  Scott held her hands up and I wiped her legs.  Suddenly, she was pooping again and it dropped out on the wipe I was holding so we threw her back on the toilet.  She finished there and we started to clean her up again and there it was again!  She was pooping some more!  I couldn't catch it this time and it hit the bathroom rug.  We were laughing and trying to contain the poop but it was impossible.  She stepped in it first, then found a way to get her hands in it.  I was trying to wipe her as she was pooping and smearing it everywhere.  Scott's hands were poop smeared as well.  I pulled her dress off of her and told Scott we needed to shower her because I wasn't hauling her poopy body upstairs.  He told me I needed to do it but I refused as I pulled off his shorts and pushed him into the shower.  He was reluctant to shower with our poopy baby but I didn't want her to leave a poop trail around our house.  She stood in the shower with her naked dad as he used Axe body wash to clean her off.  I wrapped her up in the towel and she smelled just like a teenage boy but I suppose that's much better than feces.  Baths are a common event in our house these days.  Who knew babies were so messy?

2nd Part of the day:

I was wrapping up at work tonight when Scott called with Rhylan fussing in the background.  He told me to hurry home because there was a big bruise on her chest and a vein coming from it.  I really didn't know what to think but I am not prone to panic so I didn't.  When I came home, Scott was feeding her and she seemed a little out of sorts so I asked him to show me the bruise and vein.  I then stepped into the kitchen, grabbed a rag and wiped it off.  That's right, it was something sticky on her chest that attracted dirt that made a dark spot on her.  I appreciate that he was concerned and started to google "bruised chest with vein on baby."  If I hadn't arrived when I did I'm sure he would've ended up at the ER with her.  He's such a good dad :)  I'm just glad that we didn't get charged $1000 for cleaning our kid.