The crying game

Here are a few of the ridiculous things that have made me cry while pregnant, not just a few tears but a full on sob-fest of snot and tears...

Garlic Pizza...

Scott has been a dear through this whole hormone circus called pregnancy. One morning he was cleaning out the fridge while I was getting ready. I asked him to make me a sandwich for work. I walked out of the bedroom on a very "gaggy" morning and immediately was doing everything I could to hold my stomach down. I searched for the culprit furiously. Spotted...2 day old garlic pizza on the counter! He took it out of the fridge to throw away but he didn't do it soon enough. The strong smell overwhelmed my senses and sent me to the front door for fresh air. I gagged, cried, and yelled all at the same time, "Why did you take that out of the fridge? It freaking reeks!" While gasping for fresh air I suddenly noticed he had not yet started the car. Through the gagging I managed to yell, "why haven't you started the car?!?!" He probably thought I was possessed by a demon by how quickly my personality changed. He replied with forceful confusion in his voice, "I was making your sandwich!" My anger turned into remorse for using such a disrespectful tone with Scott. It was my first acknowledgement of how unstable I was as a newly pregnant woman. I tried not to cry my fresh makeup off while I explained my behavior like this, "I know that you think I'm crazy but I think I am 100 times crazier than you could ever imagine." The look of confusion never left his face as he walked outside to start the car. I picked my neatly packed lunch up off the kitchen counter and cried all the way to work. Duty calls!

Want to do something?...

This particular Saturday night I had great intentions of doing something fun. I was resting on the couch and Scott was trying to get me pumped up for a night of excitement. He had all sorts of ideas for us and people we could hang out with. As much as my mind was there, my body screamed something different. It screamed, "if you take these sweatpants off of my swollen calves there will be hell to pay!" When my body and mind don't sink up I lose all stability. The tears started to well up, the big lump in my throat arrived and I was doing everything I could to fight what was coming. Madness took over. Our Saturday night was not full of fun but full of salty, makeup removing, snot provoking alligator tears. Scott listened to me cry off and on for two hours. He handed me a large amount of tissues and carefully sat on the other couch afraid that my sadness may turn into abusive anger because I blamed him for knocking me up. The next morning I acted like nothing happened and had a fresh smile on my face. Meanwhile, he was still walking on egg shells scared to look me in the eye. I hope the emotional drama and abuse he has endured throughout this pregnancy is like what women say about giving birth, "after it's all over you forget about the pain and would do it again."

That's my pregnancy food...

I haven't used the term "baby wants..." yet but this occasion was pretty close. We went on a two hour hike and I felt fantastic. My mind and body were alive and working together. I was so pumped up and our next stop was some much deserved food. Suddenly I couldn't wait. I grabbed a palm full of dried edamame to hold me over and Scott put his hand out for me to share with him. ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! I snapped, "this is my pregnancy food!" He snapped back, "just give me a few!" Quickly I said in a mean baby voice "No, this is my my mine, I'm soooo hun...so hungr...so hun" I couldn't finish my sentence. My age went from 27 years old to 2 years old. We've all seen a toddler snatch a toy from another toddler. I became the toyless toddler that stuck out my quivering lower lip and let out a wail of a cry while pointing to the guilty kid next to me. In that moment I couldn't believe how he could do a selfish thing such as ask for me to share our food. I wanted to sit in the car and cry until he was really sorry for the pain he caused me. My tears prompted Scott to tuck away any selfish desire to tell me what a lunatic I was. Gently, he coaxed me out of the the car and into the restaurant for some nourishment. The drama was laughable within five minutes.



I hope these stories have given you something to laugh about. I know I laugh about them after all is said and done. Scott will laugh about them someday after he goes to counseling for post traumatic stress disorder.

Vacation for three

Scott and I went on vacation for about 16 days. We drove to our destinations putting 4,000 miles on my car. I had my three page checklist all checked and my trip itinerary in hand. The plan was to take two days to get to Montana but instead we drove 22 hours straight through. We arrived a whole day early un-showered and poorly fed. Our friends welcomed us with open arms. I was at home in the mountains and with my best friend, that's all I needed. Some family threw me an impromptu baby shower which was so fun. It was then that it hit me...I'm having a baby! I held up these little clothes that I would eventually put on my child and I had a mix of emotions. Excitement, denial, and confusion. It was the next step in the reality of what is to come. Sure, this growing belly is suppose to give a good clue as to what's to come but it was hard not imagine trying to put these adorable clothes on our baby. I can imagine Scott and I staring at her little face after she makes her way into this world. The image of that is so foreign to me that it would only last a few seconds then be whooshed away by the present tense.

The rest of our vacation was a whirlwind of driving to our next destination. My itinerary was loosely followed. We detoured to Las Vegas so I could soak up some sun and that I did. Scott hates being in the sun for too long so I laid out by the pool in my bikini all by myself. It was heaven. Laying there I was reminded of the summer before when I was in my bikini with a flat stomach and now I had this bump of baby in my view. I couldn't help but take a picture of it. It's fascinating!

After Vegas we detoured into Zion National Park. It was beyond beautiful. We hiked 4 miles up and around canyons and switchbacks. It was refreshing and fed my soul. I thanked God for who He is and how perfect His design is.

The next stop, Moab, was on my itinerary. We rented a jeep and went 4x ing through some crazy fun terrain. The more adventures we had, the more we wished our daughter was able to see all the fun we were having. It suddenly felt like we were missing someone. My intentions for this vacation was to have a last chance getaway with just the two of us but with each day that passed we "missed" our daughter even more. It was like when you have a group outing but someone wasn't able to make it and you think, "so and so" would love this! Each time we took a picture of the scenery, I thought, "I can't wait to show her where we went and what we did."

At our last stop we stayed with some friends in Colorado. It made us even more anxious to meet our baby because they have a 1 1/2 year old boy. True, he doesn't allow for as much freedom as they use to have but life was full of something else. Life with a child gave them a whole new purpose with a new found joy. I can feel our hearts are being prepared for that.

I recommend a "baby moon" to anyone having a baby whether it be your 1st, or 4th! It was an amazing time of fun and reflection for us. We laughed a ton with our loved ones, and just ourselves. We hummed country songs to each other on our long drive in the night and made up ridiculous stories about how we invented string cheese and rap music. I hope we never give that up.

If you can't remember the last time you laughed out loud really hard then you need a vacation. Don't wait until you are too tired or out of money. Go explore God's world, seek out beauty, see the upside of things, and if there's no one to make you laugh, make yourself laugh.

Baby girl you've been on my mind

Last Monday we stepped into the ultrasound room. Our tech's name was Jan and she remembered when I was there last October before I was pregnant. Right before I found out I was pregant I was sent to get an ultrasound to checked for PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Jan educated me more in that 30 minutes then one year of sex ed class. She has a very nurturing way about her. She told me that I didn't have PCOS and everything looked good. Needless to say, she was very excited to see us in here this time because she was right, everything was good. She poured the warm goo onto my ever growing baby belly and turned the monitor on. There was our baby, surprisingly way more human looking than 13 weeks prior. Jan showed us every inch of our baby. We got to watch it move and groove for almost 40 minutes. It had five phalanges on each hand and foot, a well developing heart, proper brain structure, lips, eyes, a nose, and all that we could ever dream of. We wanted Jan to keep the sex of the baby a secret at that moment but write it down and put it in an envelope. At the end of the ultrasound we were both sad to say goodbye.

Scott and I headed over to Perkins to open up the envelope. We asked our server to document our moment. His eyes lit up and he immediately high fived us then grabbed the camera to take pictures. Together, we tore open the envelope and looked at the picture. The picture just showed the baby's profile but then we grabbed the paper the results were written on and it said GIRL. I was so over joyed knowing that our "baby" was a "she-baby" now.

Our joy was contagious as we shared with our family and friends. The rest of the day I missed watching our baby. Later that night Scott said, "I want to hold our baby" and made a sad face. We watched the four second video of her moving around over a dozen times that night. We fell asleep with smiles on our faces.

The next day we felt a little further away from her just because we had so much to think about that pertained to our busy lives. Then, I felt a little thump in my stomach. I identified it as familiar baby movement and looked down. I could see my stomach bopping around for the first time. Scott put his hand where the bopping was and smiled. We knew it was her saying good morning and to not forget our joy. She's in there for now but one day soon I will get to see her pretty face every morning.

It's not about me

Fun things that people may say while you are pregnant.

"Your face is filling out"
"Have you been eating a lot?"
"You'll love the second trimester but then it gets awful after that"
"Being pregnant is so great because you can eat whatever you want" -anonymous man
"Now, you try to stay real thin, don't gain too much weight"
"Don't run, it causes miscarriage"
"You will always carry that extra 5-10lbs after pregnancy"
"Next thing you know you will be old and have wrinkles, time flies after kids"
Not said to me personally, "wow, you're only 24 weeks? you are huge!"
"wow! you are really showing already"
"when you have grand kids, it's the best because you can send them back to their parents"-I have a few years ahead of me before grand kids, right?

Feel free to add to this list :) It's all with good intentions that these things are said but now I am more aware of what I say to people about personal things such as pregnancy. There are no cookie cutter pregnancies and that's what I love and hate about the process. If women all had the same experience it could be comforting to know that everyone gets sick or everyone gains this much weight. God made us all so different. Our bodies and minds react different to the change of growing a human inside of us. I may never hit the stage of "loving" pregnancy but I'm okay with that. I am also okay with women that love being pregnant. Pregnancy is a unique, individual experience that whether you like it, love it, or despise it, should be cherished because it's really not about you. As much as I try to make it about me, I know, it's about an awesome gift of a child. This is about remembering the beginning of a life. Some day my child is going to ask me about when she was a baby in my tummy and in that moment I won't want to remember the negatives, I will remember seeing her in our first ultrasound and feeling her first little movements and remember how excited her dad was when I screamed "I'm pregnant!" I look forward to that day.

what's growing in my womb?

Tomorrow we will hopefully get to see what the genitalia looks like on our baby. I am soooo pumped! Scott has a feeling it's a boy. I really don't have a feeling about it. All I know is that I will be excited no matter what. Our plan is to have the ultrasound tech write it down and put it in an envelope so that way we can open it somewhere special to us. I will make an announcement right away so wait for the news on Facebook or via call/text if I have your number.

It's so weird how everything happens in weekly increments. Now, at 20 weeks, my bladder is getting a beating from my growing womb. Every liquid goes straight through me no matter how much or how little I drink. I was walking for quite some time the other day and about three blocks from home I suddenly felt as if I had been holding my pee in for days! I was convinced that I was going to have an accident. If I hadn't been walking in a neighborhood then I would've "dropped trou" (dropped my trousers) and popped a squat (squatted down) right then and there. I couldn't even do a potty dance! I picked up the pace and chanted "don't pee, don't pee, don't pee, only three blocks left, two blocks left, four houses away..." I got to the steps of my porch, fumbled with the door knob (because that's always what happens when you really have to go to the bathroom), waddled through my living room towards the bathroom, then, sweet victory...three seconds of trickling pee. I might as well have peed my pants three blocks ago! Nobody would've even noticed. How disappointing yet so relieving. So, this is my life now. Everywhere I go I have to scout out the closest ladies room.

Doors

This weekend Scott and I took most of our staff to Chicago. It's our third year of doing this and each year is a great experience. This year I went to a business forum with a co-worker while the other girls attended classes on long hair design and new trends. The business forum that I attended was refreshing. I am the type of person that needs to soak it all in and process it a few times over. It was a five hour class that left me with quite a bit to digest. One of the speakers said that you can only have five major roles in your life. It made total sense but as I wrote down what I consider the most important roles I realized that these will soon be rearranged. I looked at my list, counted on my fingers, thought about it some more and yep, those were my roles. Wife, Salon Owner, Stylist, Fitness/health lover, and Educator. I feel God has blessed me with a deep love of taking responsibility for these roles. My roles are something I am proud to have. The learning process and growth over the years has deepened my faith and my relationships.

Since Scott and I took a leap of faith and opened our salon in 2008 we have been blessed beyond belief. We started out with two stylists and now we are a beautiful family of 16. Our staff is gifted and full of personality. It's not a coincidence that they were hired here though. It's purely because they were meant to be here. Even the employee that stole from us was suppose to be there at that moment. It was a learning experience for us and made us more aware of how to take care of the security in our business. Our staff has brought our dreams into reality and we have been able to make their dreams a reality as well. What a tremendous blessing!

Now, I am reflecting on my roles that I have taken so seriously since I was 20. I never would've predicted that a role would be "mother." I know that it's going to be amazing but I think it would be unnatural if I didn't say that a part of me will mourn a role that needs to be minimized. Some of you might say that this is not necessary but I have not taken my roles lightly. I am serious and dedicated to being a wife, salon owner, stylist, health/fitness lover and educator. These have been a strong source of blessing, strength, and growth.

I know that I need to make some adjustments but I have great peace about it all. My role as wife will remain. The role of "mother" will soon be next up on the list. I am praying about these other roles and what they will look like in the future. I don't think I want to try to predict it in detail but I know that it will all work out. Studio7 is thriving and our staff is hard working and responsible. My clients are understanding and supportive of my life changing. Personal fitness and health is what makes my body function and my mind refresh but it may look different in the future. Educating will hopefully still be a part of my life somewhere but we will just see where.

Life is suppose to change. It is suppose to move forward and once it's moved on you don't look back with regrets. You live and learn and keep on the journey. People always tell Scott and I that it was a daring move to open our own business but I don't know any other way of living. I am told that once our baby is born that I will not remember any other way of living. God opens doors and calls us to come inside. It's another door to walk through and great things await.

"A door opened and I went through it." Temple Grandin

Scott Wrage...husband, berry farmer, salon owner, and soon to be dad

People tell Scott and I that we will be great parents and that is so great. It's very encouraging. I obviously watch my husband's behavior in a different way now that I'm pregnant and I have no doubt or fear in his ability to be a father. He's a fantastic caretaker of humans and animals. Even the fish that I have neglected to acknowledge for two years get entertained by Scott. He pets them! I can thank his "animal whispering" mom for that. It's genetics that they can speak any animal language. Scott can clean up any animal feces and urine without a second thought. Vomit doesn't phase him and he can bare-hand a dried dog turd. NO KIDDING...I've seen it. That may be too much information for some of you but I'm proving a point here. He's no wuss.

He was the youngest kid so he didn't spend much time with babies but he has a great babysitting story. He and his sister were babysitting some kids ages 8 months on up. They were playing tag with the older kids but it was suddenly put to a halt when Scott tripped over the baby on the floor and cut open it's forehead with a toenail. Can you imagine growing up with a scar on your forehead and having to tell everyone it was because you got sliced open by your baby sitter's toenail? GROSS!

He told me a few weeks ago that his biggest fear so far was swaddling. HAHAHA!! Feel free to die laughing. I'm thinking about pushing a human through my crotch and he is worried about wrapping it up in a blanket. I'm not going to burst his bubble though. He works better under pressure.

On a more serious note about Scott...kids love him. They run to him, remember his name, climb on him, smile at him, and reach for him. He's a natural. I look at him with curiosity wondering how that happens. I have never felt that natural with kids. I remember how awesome he was teaching English to first graders in Taiwan. I had a mental breakdown and he connected with them so easily.

I love watching his face when we go to our doctors appointments. At our second appointment the doctor forgot to listen for the heartbeat but Scott reminded her promptly. At the third appointment he was just as eager to hear the thump thump thump. In a week and a half we have another ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. We are pumped! I will be watching his reaction because that's half the fun of it.

He's a man that's not afraid to laugh, love, get his hands in poop, work hard, baby talk animals, wash the dishes, worship, volunteer his time even if he doesn't have any, admit his faults, share his heart, watch HGTV, get eight hours of tattoo work at once, sing to our dogs, be a nerd on the computer, embarrass himself to entertain others, and he never misses a chance to tell me he loves me. I can't wait to see him in action as a dad!

...And yes we will share the big news of boy or girl! Put your vote in!