Giving did not come to me as a natural gift. It's something I've prayed about for years. I've always had this natural desire to keep and save. Save and keep. I would save my halloween candy for a year and only eat one piece at a time. What a strange thing for a child to do. I couldn't give up clothing, toys, old notebooks, or work books for anything. I hauled stuffed animals around with me for until I was 21 years old and I met my husband. He gave me a huge television box and told me to throw all the stuff I don't need into it. I gasped and felt a twist in my gut. What if throwing all that away made me forget what it was like when I was younger? He gave me a much smaller box and said, "choose carefully". What ended up happening was he went to work and then came home several hours later to me surrounded by a pile of nastalgia. I was reminiscing over toys and pictures and shoes. Oh, how I love shoes. Below, you'll see my love of shoes looks like a taiwanese shoe store at the night market. It's GLORIOUS! Hahaha!
I eventually threw out, gave away, consigned several things and felt lighter. I don't regret it, I don't look back and think about that thing I don't remember because I didn't need it if I don't remember it. Make sense? Anyways, I since have prayed about having a more generous heart with things, money, my talents, and time. I don't mean spreading myself thin but I mean having a heart for people and investing in human hearts. That of course, is what it's all about right? What's the point of living on this beautiful earth if you are only going to take take take. NOTHING. If we aren't investing in relationships, what are we investing in?
I knew when God told Scott and I to open a salon, that he meant not to make us rich in money but rich in community. He has led us in various ways to give and I'm so thankful God has transformed my heart from a scrooge to someone who loves to give. We are humbled all the time by His perfect plan.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Human shield
Every year there is life and death. Last year my baby was brought to life through some crazy miracle of a sperm meeting an egg, then I grew this person inside of me for quite some time, then I pushed this person out of my twa-twa (as my mom use to call it) and THEN i fed this person all the nutrition she could possibly need. WHOA! One whole year flew by and as I like to say, everything that's good goes fast except for the last 8 weeks of pregnancy. As I've watched the miracle of life, I have also experienced the fragility of life and relationships. As of maybe 7 years ago, I wasn't personally in touch with how life and death worked. My grandpa passed away in 2006 of old age. He was a fantastic grandpa with a sense of humor that he made work for him up until his last breath. I witnessed his death and it was life altering because I literally felt the presence of his spirit leave. I tear up thinking about him basking in the sun in our front yard with his shirt sleeves rolled up and his face tilted up towards the sun. I always knew, as a kid, that on any given day I would see him either in our yard or in the blue la-z-boy chair in the living room. Years have passed and there hasn't been a death that impacted me so much. Or at least that I let impact me.
Cancer...we're all f'ed. Isn't that how it feels when every week/month/year someone close to you or you work with is cursed with the word cancer. I remember I had a client who was 24 years old when he told me he had cancer. I was shocked because I was 24. Probably, much to his annoyance, I questioned him about his first symptoms, his diagnosis, his prognosis, his treatments and his emotions. He kept coming back to me for haircuts so somehow, I must have not chased him off with my naive questions. This young man was fortunate enough to see the cancer move on. That's what cancer does, even though not contagious, it just seems to move on and next thing you know, you're hearing the next person's story of cancer.
Our world doesn't have an outbreak of cancer but a deficiency of love. We are in a drought of love. I'm not talking about a feeling, I'm not talking about reality tv love, I'm talking about the real gritty love that God calls us to. The selfless love that spreads steady and with a foundation so firm it can not be ripped away from you. What was meant for evil, turns to good and turns to love.
Through this evil, I've seen families run together that were once parted by selfishness and hurt. I've seen the immense strength and determination to fight for somebody's life. Friends who forget to keep in touch suddenly step in and take action to act as a shield. People are literally using themselves as weapons against this damn cancer. Where there was no money, there's money to help with bills. Where there was no hope, there is suddenly a new sunny day. Where the prognosis was 6 months, the patient lives an extra two years. Where there is death, there is a people left behind praising God for the time they had together. Where a life had no meaning, damn it, people find meaning. Where people couldn't find time, they make new priorities. We are reduced down to what we are made from, LOVE. Some people get scared and run but most of the time you will observe a human fortress of love overcome the sick.
I sent this verse to a friend yesterday
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. JAMES 1:2-4
Remember there is work being done in us that we can not see until it has been done.
My heart goes out to you that suffer and are sick. I cry because I know that I'm not immune to evil touching my life but I rejoice always because I know that I will have a human fortress putting up their shields and pointing their swords outward ready to slay evil. Thank God for the strength He gives us to battle for love. It's not always about life but it is always about LOVE.
Cancer...we're all f'ed. Isn't that how it feels when every week/month/year someone close to you or you work with is cursed with the word cancer. I remember I had a client who was 24 years old when he told me he had cancer. I was shocked because I was 24. Probably, much to his annoyance, I questioned him about his first symptoms, his diagnosis, his prognosis, his treatments and his emotions. He kept coming back to me for haircuts so somehow, I must have not chased him off with my naive questions. This young man was fortunate enough to see the cancer move on. That's what cancer does, even though not contagious, it just seems to move on and next thing you know, you're hearing the next person's story of cancer.
Our world doesn't have an outbreak of cancer but a deficiency of love. We are in a drought of love. I'm not talking about a feeling, I'm not talking about reality tv love, I'm talking about the real gritty love that God calls us to. The selfless love that spreads steady and with a foundation so firm it can not be ripped away from you. What was meant for evil, turns to good and turns to love.
Through this evil, I've seen families run together that were once parted by selfishness and hurt. I've seen the immense strength and determination to fight for somebody's life. Friends who forget to keep in touch suddenly step in and take action to act as a shield. People are literally using themselves as weapons against this damn cancer. Where there was no money, there's money to help with bills. Where there was no hope, there is suddenly a new sunny day. Where the prognosis was 6 months, the patient lives an extra two years. Where there is death, there is a people left behind praising God for the time they had together. Where a life had no meaning, damn it, people find meaning. Where people couldn't find time, they make new priorities. We are reduced down to what we are made from, LOVE. Some people get scared and run but most of the time you will observe a human fortress of love overcome the sick.
I sent this verse to a friend yesterday
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. JAMES 1:2-4
Remember there is work being done in us that we can not see until it has been done.
My heart goes out to you that suffer and are sick. I cry because I know that I'm not immune to evil touching my life but I rejoice always because I know that I will have a human fortress putting up their shields and pointing their swords outward ready to slay evil. Thank God for the strength He gives us to battle for love. It's not always about life but it is always about LOVE.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Part 1 and Part two...what a day!
1st Part of the day:
Today started out with Rhylan being brought to me while I was in bed. She laid on my lap and said some words then laughed. It brought so much joy to the start of my day. After getting ready for work, I headed to the main floor just in time to hear Scott yell, "help! help!" I headed towards the voice. Scott and Rhylan were in the bathroom and he said, "Hurry, help me! I was taking her to the toilet to poop but she already started in her diaper and now it's all over her leg!" This was all said in a panicky voice and I couldn't help but laugh. Scott held her hands up and I wiped her legs. Suddenly, she was pooping again and it dropped out on the wipe I was holding so we threw her back on the toilet. She finished there and we started to clean her up again and there it was again! She was pooping some more! I couldn't catch it this time and it hit the bathroom rug. We were laughing and trying to contain the poop but it was impossible. She stepped in it first, then found a way to get her hands in it. I was trying to wipe her as she was pooping and smearing it everywhere. Scott's hands were poop smeared as well. I pulled her dress off of her and told Scott we needed to shower her because I wasn't hauling her poopy body upstairs. He told me I needed to do it but I refused as I pulled off his shorts and pushed him into the shower. He was reluctant to shower with our poopy baby but I didn't want her to leave a poop trail around our house. She stood in the shower with her naked dad as he used Axe body wash to clean her off. I wrapped her up in the towel and she smelled just like a teenage boy but I suppose that's much better than feces. Baths are a common event in our house these days. Who knew babies were so messy?
2nd Part of the day:
I was wrapping up at work tonight when Scott called with Rhylan fussing in the background. He told me to hurry home because there was a big bruise on her chest and a vein coming from it. I really didn't know what to think but I am not prone to panic so I didn't. When I came home, Scott was feeding her and she seemed a little out of sorts so I asked him to show me the bruise and vein. I then stepped into the kitchen, grabbed a rag and wiped it off. That's right, it was something sticky on her chest that attracted dirt that made a dark spot on her. I appreciate that he was concerned and started to google "bruised chest with vein on baby." If I hadn't arrived when I did I'm sure he would've ended up at the ER with her. He's such a good dad :) I'm just glad that we didn't get charged $1000 for cleaning our kid.
Today started out with Rhylan being brought to me while I was in bed. She laid on my lap and said some words then laughed. It brought so much joy to the start of my day. After getting ready for work, I headed to the main floor just in time to hear Scott yell, "help! help!" I headed towards the voice. Scott and Rhylan were in the bathroom and he said, "Hurry, help me! I was taking her to the toilet to poop but she already started in her diaper and now it's all over her leg!" This was all said in a panicky voice and I couldn't help but laugh. Scott held her hands up and I wiped her legs. Suddenly, she was pooping again and it dropped out on the wipe I was holding so we threw her back on the toilet. She finished there and we started to clean her up again and there it was again! She was pooping some more! I couldn't catch it this time and it hit the bathroom rug. We were laughing and trying to contain the poop but it was impossible. She stepped in it first, then found a way to get her hands in it. I was trying to wipe her as she was pooping and smearing it everywhere. Scott's hands were poop smeared as well. I pulled her dress off of her and told Scott we needed to shower her because I wasn't hauling her poopy body upstairs. He told me I needed to do it but I refused as I pulled off his shorts and pushed him into the shower. He was reluctant to shower with our poopy baby but I didn't want her to leave a poop trail around our house. She stood in the shower with her naked dad as he used Axe body wash to clean her off. I wrapped her up in the towel and she smelled just like a teenage boy but I suppose that's much better than feces. Baths are a common event in our house these days. Who knew babies were so messy?
2nd Part of the day:
I was wrapping up at work tonight when Scott called with Rhylan fussing in the background. He told me to hurry home because there was a big bruise on her chest and a vein coming from it. I really didn't know what to think but I am not prone to panic so I didn't. When I came home, Scott was feeding her and she seemed a little out of sorts so I asked him to show me the bruise and vein. I then stepped into the kitchen, grabbed a rag and wiped it off. That's right, it was something sticky on her chest that attracted dirt that made a dark spot on her. I appreciate that he was concerned and started to google "bruised chest with vein on baby." If I hadn't arrived when I did I'm sure he would've ended up at the ER with her. He's such a good dad :) I'm just glad that we didn't get charged $1000 for cleaning our kid.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
I may offend
Recently went to the aquatic center here in Ames and I was saddened. I'm not going to beat around the bush. The number of 8-17 year olds that I saw wearing string bikinis was appalling. I couldn't believe that these little girls who either didn't have any curves or were just developing were wearing hardly anything. It only made them look 5 years older...ONLY? I was super bummed out.
When I was 13, my mom allowed me to wear a two piece swimsuit but it was modest. No bikini for me at that age. I know that it looks cute to dress your daughter up in clothes that make her look like a little woman but let's be honest about who's looking at them. It would be peaches if the average age that someone was exposed to porn wasn't 11 years old. It would be awesome if the USA didn't have the highest rate of pornographic movies produced. It would be super if the average age of the viewing audience of porn wasn't men ages 35-48. It would be great if there weren't over 7 million people searching for teen porn every day. Wouldn't it be relieving if 34% of teen girls didn't feel pressured to send sexually suggestive content via text or social media to feel "sexy". It would be a wonderful world if there weren't over 100,000 girls 9-19 years old abducted and sold into sex trafficking.
Sadly, these are real statistics. Next time you think your 10 year old is just a 10 year old and it's cute to see her in a string bikini, think again. It's cute to you but to some, she looks like a 15 year old and is seen as a sexual person.
When I was 13, my mom allowed me to wear a two piece swimsuit but it was modest. No bikini for me at that age. I know that it looks cute to dress your daughter up in clothes that make her look like a little woman but let's be honest about who's looking at them. It would be peaches if the average age that someone was exposed to porn wasn't 11 years old. It would be awesome if the USA didn't have the highest rate of pornographic movies produced. It would be super if the average age of the viewing audience of porn wasn't men ages 35-48. It would be great if there weren't over 7 million people searching for teen porn every day. Wouldn't it be relieving if 34% of teen girls didn't feel pressured to send sexually suggestive content via text or social media to feel "sexy". It would be a wonderful world if there weren't over 100,000 girls 9-19 years old abducted and sold into sex trafficking.
Sadly, these are real statistics. Next time you think your 10 year old is just a 10 year old and it's cute to see her in a string bikini, think again. It's cute to you but to some, she looks like a 15 year old and is seen as a sexual person.
I'm not judging anyone but I do caution you to dress your daughter in more age appropriate clothing and watch out for what she puts on the internet. Here are some really cute, appropriate swimsuits. They're out there, but maybe just not at Target or other popular places. It's worth the time to look though. You're daughter is worth it.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Little Bitty
Rhylan Jo
10 months old
9 month check up: 16.12 lbs, 27 inches long
8 teeth
Can now fit into size 3 diapers
She eats like a champ:
All foods including June bugs
Stood on her own one day before she turned 9 months
Took 2 steps at 9 1/2 months
Walking shortly before 10 months old
Special skills:
Waving, clapping, holding toys in her mouth in movement (like a dog), can bump her head and get right back to work without crying, sign "all done" and "food", spit whatever is in her mouth into mommy's hand, crawl up stairs (since 7 months old), drink out of a sippy cup, says "whasthat?" and "whosthat?" (Now, I'm not sure if that's what she is really saying but it's said in context most of the time so we will go with it)
Weird skill mommy taught her:
Going potty on the potty. I read an article about starting potty training now because then it is a natural progression. I sit her on the toilet first thing in the morning and she tinkles then we say good job and diaper her back up. When I see the poop face, we immediately say potty and run her to the toilet where she does the job. She's only pooped in her diaper once since we started this routine. Every time we get home from a walk or running an errand I take her in to go potty. It's at least entertaining for me because she really does know when she is going potty and makes a cute face. Call me crazy, I don't care :)
New on the menu:
Her naughty streak. Everyday, it seems like she is getting herself in trouble and for fear of being the "no police" we try to find different ways to let her know what she is doing is wrong. She knows our tone and our look when we catch her doing something naughty. She even will turn around and beeline in a different direction. It's hard not to laugh but she watches so intently for our reactions that if we crack a smile she will do it again.
Nicknames:
Rhylan Josephine (dad), Little bitty (mom), smilin' Rhylan (grandma Patti), No buns (papa), Jo or teeny meany (Grandma Diane)
She's entertaining to say the least. I told Scott the other day that I have the biggest "crush" on my daughter. I think about her day and night and can't get enough of her! Her daddy is just as smitten :)
10 months old
9 month check up: 16.12 lbs, 27 inches long
8 teeth
Can now fit into size 3 diapers
She eats like a champ:
All foods including June bugs
Stood on her own one day before she turned 9 months
Took 2 steps at 9 1/2 months
Walking shortly before 10 months old
Special skills:
Waving, clapping, holding toys in her mouth in movement (like a dog), can bump her head and get right back to work without crying, sign "all done" and "food", spit whatever is in her mouth into mommy's hand, crawl up stairs (since 7 months old), drink out of a sippy cup, says "whasthat?" and "whosthat?" (Now, I'm not sure if that's what she is really saying but it's said in context most of the time so we will go with it)
Weird skill mommy taught her:
Going potty on the potty. I read an article about starting potty training now because then it is a natural progression. I sit her on the toilet first thing in the morning and she tinkles then we say good job and diaper her back up. When I see the poop face, we immediately say potty and run her to the toilet where she does the job. She's only pooped in her diaper once since we started this routine. Every time we get home from a walk or running an errand I take her in to go potty. It's at least entertaining for me because she really does know when she is going potty and makes a cute face. Call me crazy, I don't care :)
New on the menu:
Her naughty streak. Everyday, it seems like she is getting herself in trouble and for fear of being the "no police" we try to find different ways to let her know what she is doing is wrong. She knows our tone and our look when we catch her doing something naughty. She even will turn around and beeline in a different direction. It's hard not to laugh but she watches so intently for our reactions that if we crack a smile she will do it again.
Nicknames:
Rhylan Josephine (dad), Little bitty (mom), smilin' Rhylan (grandma Patti), No buns (papa), Jo or teeny meany (Grandma Diane)
She's entertaining to say the least. I told Scott the other day that I have the biggest "crush" on my daughter. I think about her day and night and can't get enough of her! Her daddy is just as smitten :)
Friday, May 25, 2012
Nurturing Nature
Rhylan had her first big cold last week. She was full of snot, coughing and she ran a slight tempurature. I felt so bad for the little baby girl as she tried to tell us how much her throat hurt. It was this tiny wraspy voice that cried for help. She clung to me day and night. In the middle of the night she cried out for us to come get her so I wandered into her room at 1:30am to pick her up. Her voice was nearly gone and every time she coughed she cried because it hurt. Immediately I felt her temp had raised. Obsessively Scott checked her temp every few minutes then called first nurse. It wasn't over 102 so they felt that it was okay for now. We held her until she fell asleep. A few hours later she woke us up again and managed to have a smile on her face. The temp went down as morning went by. We prayed that God would heal her little body and thanked Him for her.
All this sickness was new to me. I don't have a nurturing bone in my body on most occasions. Being the youngest child allowed me to be the one cared for plus I'm rarely sick. If I am, I sometimes call my mom and she immediately asks me how she can help. I usually reply I don't need help, I just needed to tell her. There's something about telling your mom that you're sick that makes you feel better. When Scott is sick, it takes everything in me to want to help him. I say "buck up, you're not dying, you have a cold." I know, it's pretty insensative but I know every woman that I talk to says that their husband can tend to be a BIT dramatic when they're sick. It's not like I don't care, I do, but I'm a problem solver. I try to prevent illness by not touching door handles, not sharing food, wiping my shopping cart off, and I use my feet, knees, elbows, and wrists to open or close things. For anyone who lived in the nineties, we call that behavior, "what about bob".
By nature, I am not nurturing. Nurturing is out of my nature. However you put it, I envy the ones in my life that are so sensitive to other people's feelings and wear their heart on their sleeve. I tend not to show much emotion on my face. I will tell you I am excited without a change of tone or lifted eyebrows. I will be sarcastic without putting a smiley face next to it and that's when I get in trouble. Back peddle, back peddle, back peddle. This can make me seem super serious and intimidating when I'm smiling on the inside. Generally, I think people are fantastic. There are times when Scott will ask what my problem is and it takes me totally by surprise.
I concentrate on smiling with my mouth and eyes. When I was pregnant, I cried enough for 10 pmsing women every day. As a non-prego, I don't cry very much because I feel like it doesn't get anything accomplished besides ruining my makeup and an ugly cry face. It doesn't bother me if other people cry though. Everyone is allowed their own expression of emotion. Mine just happens to be an internal dialogue then immediate problem solving with no expression on my face. Is that weird? I have been told it's kind of weird so I will continue work on my nurturing nature with my daughter, husband, family and employees. It's okay to cry and be overly happy and be angry all in the same day. We were made in God's image with all these emotions.
John 11:35 Jesus wept. How refreshing to know that.
All this sickness was new to me. I don't have a nurturing bone in my body on most occasions. Being the youngest child allowed me to be the one cared for plus I'm rarely sick. If I am, I sometimes call my mom and she immediately asks me how she can help. I usually reply I don't need help, I just needed to tell her. There's something about telling your mom that you're sick that makes you feel better. When Scott is sick, it takes everything in me to want to help him. I say "buck up, you're not dying, you have a cold." I know, it's pretty insensative but I know every woman that I talk to says that their husband can tend to be a BIT dramatic when they're sick. It's not like I don't care, I do, but I'm a problem solver. I try to prevent illness by not touching door handles, not sharing food, wiping my shopping cart off, and I use my feet, knees, elbows, and wrists to open or close things. For anyone who lived in the nineties, we call that behavior, "what about bob".
By nature, I am not nurturing. Nurturing is out of my nature. However you put it, I envy the ones in my life that are so sensitive to other people's feelings and wear their heart on their sleeve. I tend not to show much emotion on my face. I will tell you I am excited without a change of tone or lifted eyebrows. I will be sarcastic without putting a smiley face next to it and that's when I get in trouble. Back peddle, back peddle, back peddle. This can make me seem super serious and intimidating when I'm smiling on the inside. Generally, I think people are fantastic. There are times when Scott will ask what my problem is and it takes me totally by surprise.
I concentrate on smiling with my mouth and eyes. When I was pregnant, I cried enough for 10 pmsing women every day. As a non-prego, I don't cry very much because I feel like it doesn't get anything accomplished besides ruining my makeup and an ugly cry face. It doesn't bother me if other people cry though. Everyone is allowed their own expression of emotion. Mine just happens to be an internal dialogue then immediate problem solving with no expression on my face. Is that weird? I have been told it's kind of weird so I will continue work on my nurturing nature with my daughter, husband, family and employees. It's okay to cry and be overly happy and be angry all in the same day. We were made in God's image with all these emotions.
John 11:35 Jesus wept. How refreshing to know that.
When it all goes wrong
Recently there have been some major events in my life and other's lives that have prompted me to write again.
Last weekend I was suppose to do some training in Wisconsin. I have gone back and forth about quitting teaching for my color company. I got into being an educator because I knew that it would take my career to the next level. It was going to push my limits and take me out of a comfort zone. Now, I'm busy with a growing baby and a salon that is growing by the day. It's a daily stretch for me and for Scott.
As I was planning this trip to go teach I realize that I'm forgetting a lot of things. I didn't reserve my hotel room until 5 days before and I didn't get my teaching materials all together until two days before. My least favorite thing is feeling unorganized. My class was almost five hours away so I had to make sure my ducks were in line.
The plan was for my mom to join me in my travels but then Scott had to train on Monday so then that left me with no childcare for Rhylan. It was getting more and more confusing and I really just wanted to call the whole thing off. That was not an option though. Scott decided to see if he could train on Tuesday instead of Monday and that worked out. We decided to take Rhylan with us and make it a family thing. I knew Scott wasn't looking forward to the drive but I really wasn't prepared to go it alone.
Before we left we needed to do payroll at the salon. Long story short, we didn't leave as soon as we planned. I had mixed feelings as we headed out of town. I knew that Scott wasn't super excited about going so I told him to turn around and I will go by myself. He told me that it would be fine and we should keep going. I just wanted to quit, quit everything. You know when you just want to escape all responsibility and head for the hills? I never would but sometimes I forget I have the power of the Holy Spirit to comfort me and self-reliance becomes my "go-to".
My sighs become heavier and louder. Scott rarely sees me like this so he spoke up. He offered prayer first and it immediately softened my heart. We started talking but I didn't tell him how confused I was about how I was suppose to manage all these responsibilities. Scott can't let problems go, he can't see me hurting, so he takes action. He started giving me solutions and I felt instant relief. My heavy heart and bad attitude lifted.
Through all the mess and the discouragement God still shines. It's not always cut and dry, it's not always a smooth journey. There have been a few big moments in my life that God allows things to get stirred up so in the end, all I see is Him. In the midst of all my planning God speaks through it and what looks like chaos is actually controlled chaos. So, if I would've quit teaching, if Scott wouldn't have been able to go with me, if we wouldn't have been delayed at the salon, we wouldn't have talked through our situation. I would have given up. I'm not a quitter, I move on. In this case it wasn't the time to move on. It was time to learn my limits.
This has happened to me a few other times in life where I feel like the odds are against me and the weight is too heavy but guess what, it's not my weight. You know that saying, "God never gives you more than you can handle?" Well, it's true because I am still standing ;)
Last weekend I was suppose to do some training in Wisconsin. I have gone back and forth about quitting teaching for my color company. I got into being an educator because I knew that it would take my career to the next level. It was going to push my limits and take me out of a comfort zone. Now, I'm busy with a growing baby and a salon that is growing by the day. It's a daily stretch for me and for Scott.
As I was planning this trip to go teach I realize that I'm forgetting a lot of things. I didn't reserve my hotel room until 5 days before and I didn't get my teaching materials all together until two days before. My least favorite thing is feeling unorganized. My class was almost five hours away so I had to make sure my ducks were in line.
The plan was for my mom to join me in my travels but then Scott had to train on Monday so then that left me with no childcare for Rhylan. It was getting more and more confusing and I really just wanted to call the whole thing off. That was not an option though. Scott decided to see if he could train on Tuesday instead of Monday and that worked out. We decided to take Rhylan with us and make it a family thing. I knew Scott wasn't looking forward to the drive but I really wasn't prepared to go it alone.
Before we left we needed to do payroll at the salon. Long story short, we didn't leave as soon as we planned. I had mixed feelings as we headed out of town. I knew that Scott wasn't super excited about going so I told him to turn around and I will go by myself. He told me that it would be fine and we should keep going. I just wanted to quit, quit everything. You know when you just want to escape all responsibility and head for the hills? I never would but sometimes I forget I have the power of the Holy Spirit to comfort me and self-reliance becomes my "go-to".
My sighs become heavier and louder. Scott rarely sees me like this so he spoke up. He offered prayer first and it immediately softened my heart. We started talking but I didn't tell him how confused I was about how I was suppose to manage all these responsibilities. Scott can't let problems go, he can't see me hurting, so he takes action. He started giving me solutions and I felt instant relief. My heavy heart and bad attitude lifted.
Through all the mess and the discouragement God still shines. It's not always cut and dry, it's not always a smooth journey. There have been a few big moments in my life that God allows things to get stirred up so in the end, all I see is Him. In the midst of all my planning God speaks through it and what looks like chaos is actually controlled chaos. So, if I would've quit teaching, if Scott wouldn't have been able to go with me, if we wouldn't have been delayed at the salon, we wouldn't have talked through our situation. I would have given up. I'm not a quitter, I move on. In this case it wasn't the time to move on. It was time to learn my limits.
This has happened to me a few other times in life where I feel like the odds are against me and the weight is too heavy but guess what, it's not my weight. You know that saying, "God never gives you more than you can handle?" Well, it's true because I am still standing ;)
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